Defining Your Dragon
        By Brad Rosenberg

Each one of us has a struggle, an obstacle to overcome. Some of them are minor and are mere annoyances. But, some are giant fire breathing Dragons that challenge not only our strength, but our courage as well. These Dragons stand in our way, preventing us from moving on with our life, making us hesitant to grow. They make us more willing to sit, stagnant, on the side of the road with blinders on, pretending not to see the dragon before us. Every time we want to progress forward, the dragon snarls and belches flame, reminding us that it is FAR more difficult to move forward than it is just to stay right where you are, or worse yet, head back the way you came. There are times when we gather enough strength to fight our way forward, only to be turned back, farther than when we started, exhausted and badly hurt.

Recently, I have been trying to come to terms with an eating disorder that I have. I am a binge eater. It seems so strange to even write now, as not a year ago, I never would have admitted that I had any problem whatsoever, other than I was fat. I find it very difficult to even write about it now. I was over 500 pounds, and gaining. I was refusing to see my Dragon. I knew he was there, but I didn't want to deal with him. It was one morning; at about 4 AM when I was eating a sandwich in my kitchen that something inside of my head simply said enough. There was no parting of the heavens, there were no trumpets playing, there was no voice of God, simply one word echoing in my head: enough. The next day, I began my journey forward. But what about the Dragon standing in my way?

I fixed my gaze on what I thought my Dragon was, and began attacking. I attacked the part of me that craved the comfort of the food. I attacked the fact that I was weak for needing this, and I attacked the person in the mirror for being so disgustingly fat. Every time I thought about eating, or comfort, I would attack that with all of my wrath. After all, it was my weakness that got me here; it was my need for comfort, right? Well then ATTACK AWAY! I beat the hell out of myself, hating everything that I had become. Guess what? That wasn't my Dragon. As a matter of fact, that was my Dragon fighting back.

My Dragon wasn't my need for comfort. We all need comfort, we all need to feel needed and loved, especially by ourselves. My Dragon wasn't my eating at all. My Dragon was the part of me that would attack myself every time I tried to heal. It was the only thing preventing me from moving forward. All along, the tough love that I would try to give myself, was hurting me more, and moving me backwards. In fighting this Dragon, I needed to focus in on the part of me that needed that comfort, and love, and attention, and give it what it needs. I needed to gently come face to face with the tender child that I have been abusing all this time. The tender, shy, scared part of me that reached out for food when it didn't find the comfort it needed; the same part of me that I would attack when it did get comfort from food. Basically, I needed to fight my Dragon with love and kindness toward myself, something that I have not allowed in years.

I have made progress, but my battle is far from over, but for the first time, there is a small ember inside of me that is growing. It is more addictive than any food, or drug that I can remember. Its warmth is comforting the part that needs comfort, and giving strength to the part that was once weak. For the first time in a very long time, I have hope, and it is a wonderful feeling. As I lose weight, I face all the emotions that were hidden by my eating, and each one requires a tremendous amount of courage and strength, but with the help of hope, this uphill battle is no longer impossible. I am far from perfect, and I do slip now and again back to my old ways, but those times are shorter, and farther in between. I have lost 150 pounds since I started, but the numbers don't tell the whole story. It isn't what I have lost, it’s what I have gained: Self-respect.

So, the only piece of wisdom that I can really pass along to those of you that struggle with your Dragons, be sure you are fighting the Dragon, and not yourself.

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