Low Sex Drive
        When A Woman Has No Desire

The eMail below came to me recently and I wanted to share my reply through an article as I believe this to affect many couples and I hope to offer some assistance to those it does. Truly a challenging situation if left unresolved and for the gentleman who wrote me about it; potentially devastating to both he and his wife.

Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D., C.E.O. HolisticWisdom.com Founder

Hello Lisa-                             

Asking about Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder

I have come to a crossroad in my life, and I thought that you might be able to help me with a decision I have to make. I've been married for six years, and I have no actual sexual relationship with my wife.

After a quick search for information on your web site, I think you would describe my wife as suffering from either Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (no sex drive) or Sexual Aversion Disorder (pain or discomfort during sex). In either case, I suppose it is I who am suffering. My wife would be more than happy to never be the least bit sexual for the rest of her life.

She was this way, although to a lesser degree, even before we met. Sadly, I thought that she was suffering from a guilt complex associated with her rather strict and conservative upbringing. I had hoped that she would become more comfortable with sex once she was married. I took the gamble and I lost.

My wife and I have read more books and sought therapy with more counselors, doctors, and psychiatrists than I can remember. In the end, nothing has worked, and I have seen my wife's comfort with sex worsen over the years. I have not had an easy time of having celibacy forced upon me, and I am quite certain that I cannot continue leading a life devoid of a sexual relationship.

Thus, my question to you is this: Can Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder be cured, or should I simply call it quits on my marriage? I have always been committed to my marriage, and if at all possible I would prefer to find some way of making my marriage work. Any help or insight that you might be able to provide would be greatly appreciated.

Kindest regards.

Thank you for your inquiry. I truly empathize with your dilemma. I can imagine it must be a very hard situation for you to be in. Below is information about the definition of Hypo Sexual Desire Disorder as well as recommended treatment options and my overall thoughts-

Traditional Approach

Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder is a lack of sexual desire that causes a woman personal distress either to them or from conflict that it causes in their relationship with a significant other. This includes a persistent or recurring deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies or thoughts, or a lack of interest in sex or being sexual. Often women suffering with this complaint will report they feel "flat" sexually or sexually "dead".

It is important to note that a low sex drive should not be confused with an inability to reach orgasm. Many women with a low sex drive are capable of successful sexual arousal and may also achieve orgasm.

Potential Causes

~ Medications (eg.: birth control- Progestin, Depo-Provera ®) as well as
    non-birth control medications (eg.: antidepressants, hormones, and more).
~ Emotional factors: e.g. depression, anxiety, stress.
~ Relationship factors: e.g. conflicts, anger, lack of trust.
~ Menopause: natural or surgical.
~ Sexual arousal disorder: e.g. sex is frustrating and/or painful.
~ Pregnancy
~ Obesity or Anorexia
~ Illicit Drugs and alcohol
~ Sexual abuse

CLICK HERE To read more detail about some of the potential causes.

Emotional & Mental Factors

First, consider whether there are indeed emotional or relationship variables contributing to the problem. It helps to be evaluated by a trained sex therapist who can help her sort this out. I am not sure if you have included sex therapists in your search for assistance... but obviously, a sex therapist would be a bonus. Unfortunately most sexually repressed individuals will not even consider going to one.

For treatment resources see our general treatment and therapy resources page for traditional and alternative modalities.

She will also need to rule out medical causes as well. The first step is to rule out hormonal factors, especially low testosterone. This can be accomplished with simple blood tests.

From what we presently understand about the role of testosterone in women, Free Testosterone should be a minimum of 1.9 and Total Testosterone should be a minimum of 20. If her testosterone is low, she can talk to her doctor about potentially replacing her testosterone. If she feels like her sexual response is low and that is feeding into her lack of interest due to pain, dryness, or lack of response or arousal, or physical release, she should consider seeking evaluation and treatment of sexual arousal disorder.

Alternative Approaches

After medical causes have been ruled out, I can tell you that with alternative therapies such as EMDR therapy have provided positive results. A web site to find out more about that is as follows-

http://www.emdr.com/

Also, if she is very analytical, introspective, etc. then she may need a more intensive, visceral way to release some of her feelings that are resurfacing and trying to get her attention to deal with them. Sometimes "talk therapy" is just not the way to go for those types. A therapy for that is Holotropic Breathwork. The national site for that is-

http://www.breathwork.com/

She may also consider some massage therapy to allow her to get more acquainted with her body in a way that is healthy. Many sexual issues are dealt with effectively from therapeutic massage for a few reasons... one it brings them back in touch with their body and often sparks an emotional release during the session (Thus she should let the massage therapist know in advance about what issues she is currently trying to work through so that they can be prepared for her to have an emotional release).

Acupuncture is also a wonderful tool. You can read more about it in my article.

My Overall Thoughts

As for you my dear man, I am so sorry you have been struggling to find sexual pleasure, which you most certainly deserve. There is always hope even in the bleakest of situations, but the answer for you may lie not in the hope of your wife changing, but within you by changing your life with the answers that only you can find within your heart.

Make sure that you seek out those things in your life that will provide you with joy and love, as our lives are short and ultimately we get what we settle for in situations. Whatever choices you make for yourself in your future, I wish you well and hope that you and your wife will find happiness together or separate of one another in this life time.

Best,

Lisa