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Premature
Ejaculation
What Can
Help
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The
Problem
Many
men are concerned with their rapid ejaculation. The greatest
concern is expressed among younger men, but many of these
settle down as they age.
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Robert
W. Birch, Ph.D.
Sexologist &
Adult Sexuality Educator
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Most men have had the experience of losing control in a passionate
encounter with a new and exciting woman, but familiarity typically
will take care of this. However, there are men of all ages who ejaculate
rapidly every time, even as they and their relationship ages.
The
Definition
So,
what is premature ejaculation? The term implies that it happens
early, before it is due, and most men have taken this to mean
that their orgasm occurs before they have had time to enjoy intercourse,
before the woman has had time to enjoy intercourse, or before
the partner has been able to reach her orgasm during intercourse.
Let's
start with the last... female orgasms during intercourse. The
reality is that the majority of women do not and can not reach
orgasm during intercourse, no matter how long the man can endure.
There just is not enough clitoral stimulation in the majority
of intercourse positions. The problems and solutions regarding
intercourse for women are addressed in ORAL CARESS, MALE SEXUAL
ENDURANCE, and PATHWAYS TO PLEASURE.
We
don't want anyone to miss the point! Intercourse is not necessarily
the most effective way to bring a woman to orgasm! This is perhaps
why men seem more concerned with the problem than do many of their
partners. Many women enjoy the manual and oral play, but know
they are not going to orgasm with penile-vaginal stimulation.
Even when women attempt to reassure their partners, telling that
it does not matter, many of men will continue to obsess about
their lack of control.
The
label I prefer the term rapid ejaculation over premature ejaculation,
for I believe it better defines the behavior and carries less
stigma. Some men are fast... they ejaculate rapidly. But how fast
is fast? The average young healthy male with ejaculate in about
3 to 4 minutes with nonstop trusting, and some say that average
is even faster... 2 to 3 minutes. So, let's say that a young man
who ejaculates after three minutes of steady thrusting is within
the average range. I have seen men who could last 5 minutes, but
believed they were premature ejaculators because they thought
they should be able to last as long as they like and ejaculate
at will. Are there men who naturally last 15 minutes or more?
Of course there are, but there are also men who cannot ejaculate
at all. Like I have said, it's on a continuum, from one extreme
where men who ejaculate prior to penetration to those who do not
get there at all.
What's
The Cure?
That
answer is easy. There is none, because rapid ejaculation is not
an illness! One highly respected sex therapist claims a "cure"
can be achieved in fourteen weeks, while another says eight to
twelve. The problem with the concept of "cure" is the implication
that once fixed, you can forget all about the illness. A follow-up
study, however, demonstrates the error in this thinking, for this
research found that three years after being "cured," the majority
of the men were ejaculating just as rapidly as they were before
entering therapy. What happens when men expect a cure and professionals
offer it is that once improvement is gained, everyone quits working
on the ejaculatory control and nothing has really been changed!
What
Is The Answer?
That
is like asking, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall." The answer,
"Practice, practice, practice." I believe men can learn effective
strategies for the management of their ejaculatory response. It
is possible to learn what is needed to do to stay in control,
but once learned, a man can never stop managing his response.
I believe it is a long process, but can be a joyful one.
Quite
honestly, men who are not in loving relationships with understand
and cooperative women are at a disadvantage. What needs to be
learned and practiced is done best within the context of a healthy
and playful relationship. However, it will help a single male
if he understands the process needed for control and there are
ways the can begin practicing on his own.
Look
For The Easy Answers
I
think we all wish there were easy answers for life's toughest
problems. Unfortunately, sex therapists have promised a quick
behavioral cure, hypnotists have claimed success through post-hypnotic
suggestion, and doctors have prescribed pills that are hyped as
the "magic bullet". The reality is, some men do well with sex
therapy, others really do not learn what they should have learned.
Hypnosis might certainly help a man relax, which is important
in learning control, but there is more to mastering the reflex
than just relaxation. Some men respond to the medications being
prescribe, but the effect wears off for some, others experience
no change, and some temporarily lose their ability to ejaculate
at all. Some men have even reported that the medication interferes
with their ability to obtain an erection.
Unfortunately,
the men who have been ejaculating within seconds for the past
thirty years are probably reaching orgasm too quickly to have
time to begin practicing what needs to be practiced. For these
men, the medication might be one of the first things to tried.
The good news is that any negative side effects only last as long
as the man is taking the drug. The bad new is that any positive
side effects also only last as long as the man is taking the drug!
Unless a man is willing to take a medication for as long as he
wishes to sexual, he should not look at the drug as a "cure."
For some it will allow a man time to relax, worry less, and work
on the things he must work on to learn effective control.
Resources
Many
men will want to try on their own before investing time and money
in seeing a therapist.
Go
to the Amazon.com web site and search for the book by Dr.
Helen Kaplan titled How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation.
With
these resources, patience and practice, ejaculatory control should
be within your grasp.
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