Long-term Romance         What We Can Do To Make It Work One of the most common topics that people write in about is in regard to the troubles of a relationship where intimacy is failing. Core issues may vary, ranging from sexual dysfunction, sexual abuse, drug & alcohol dependence, to more general stressors from work, children or family related problems.

Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D., C.E.O. HolisticWisdom.com Founder

There are many reasons why couples are not able to find the intimacy they once had. For the sake of this article, I am going to provide general ideas of what you and your partner can do to make the changes necessary to get the intimacy you desire.

Communicate

So many people simply don't talk to one another.
I know there are a lot of you out there that feel worried about what your partner may think of your true thoughts and feelings. I also know how hard it is to be vulnerable in any relationship whether you are married or just dating.

Yet, if you continue to live in fear, deny who you really are to your partner, then you are never going to know if they really love you for all that you are. You are most likely going to have challenges that arise because of the fact that you are holding back and you are not going to experience what true intimacy is until you make the commitment to have it by being honest.

What Seduces Your Senses?

What makes you feel relaxed, seductive, and romantic? Do you love the smell of scented candles? Do you feel relaxed and sensual in bubble baths? Do you enjoy certain musical selections? Do you love wearing or looking at lingerie? Do you love the feel of satin, silk, or cotton sheets against your skin? Do you like the outdoors? Do you desire certain themes: romantic, BDSM, silly? Think about what it is that you enjoy and take the time to talk with your partner about it. Ask them to share the same information with you. Honestly, how can you effectively seduce your partner if you don't know what makes them feel seductive? How can your partner seduce you if you have not taken the time to figure out what you enjoy?

Check Out Our Triple Scented Soy Candles

Exploring this through discussions is a very basic thing that you can do to create atmospheres for one another that will encourage intimacy.

In Bed

Believe it or not many couples never discuss specifically what they like and do not like in bed. I encourage couples to have a "tutoring session" for one another at least on one occasion... but preferably on an ongoing basis. Take time to retreat to the bedroom with the only agenda of learning what pleases you and your partner. Experiment without the goal of orgasm; rather with what feels good and what does not. Try new positions, fingering techniques, toys, lubricants. Think about it... how can a couple know what really makes them hot lovers to one another if they don't try out different approaches to pleasuring one another and communicate about it?

If there are emotional issues that arise... this could be a great time to discuss them... from feeling vulnerable, inadequate, and even ashamed or "dirty" for liking things or "prude" for not liking them. Be honest with one another... take the plunge into intimacy to find out what you and your partner are capable of sexually and emotionally. For if you do not, then you will not truly know your relationships full potential.

Being one who is in a monogamous marriage myself, I know that it is sometimes hard to share your deepest desires even with a spouse... yes, it can be hard even for a sex educator. I mean, it's just down right hard at times to be vulnerable to anyone if you ask me... but the beautiful intimacy you can achieve with the one you love is certainly worth the risk.

I believe in walking my talk and would not recommend doing it, if I did not take those risks myself. After having other relationships that did not work, it was when I made myself truly open to a man that I could trust and whom I loved that allowed me to know my hubby was my soul mate. I remember times when I was shaking because I was so nervous to talk about such things as my struggles with poor body image and low self esteem. I remember crying when I admitted that I sometimes struggle with jealousy and need reassurance from him. Yet, he shared with me similar vulnerabilities and it was through this sharing that made not only our sex life better, but our relationship stronger.

Rules Of Respect

Remember that when you do this with your partner there should be ground rules before you begin... this means that if you or your partner do not feel comfortable with something then you should not proceed until it has been discussed and resolved. It is important to commit to yourself and your partner that you will maintain respect toward their preferences and feelings even if you do not relate to them. The goal is to create a safe environment. You should agree never to use any of those things shared during these vulnerable times against one another in arguments, or criticize them for sharing with you.

Remember that no partner will ever be exactly like you... the whole point is that we find someone who compliments us... not clones us! Respect and celebrate each other's differences, explore and share... enjoy!