Struggling With Sexuality

Struggling With Sexuality
Looking At Our Inhibitions
By Lisa S. Lawless, C.E.O., Holistic Wisdom Founder

Although simple, fun, and necessary, sex is restricted by a complex set of morals, social customs, and taboos. Any drive that is so strong and valued, yet so controlled and prohibited, is going to generate stressful, ambivalent, confusing feelings.

Part of the confusion about sex comes from the church. It may surprise you, but for centuries until the 1800's, the church fathers thought and taught that women were over-sexed and had poor impulse control, i.e. were easily seduced and prone to act out (wow, is that projection or what?).

We are still sorting out sexual myth from reality. For example, to what degree are current women's sexual "gatekeeping" and insisting on love before sex a reaction to centuries of life-threatening sexual accusations by religious males? Or, are women's sexual inhibitions based on practical interpersonal politics (males say "why buy the cow if you are already getting the milk?")? Or, have women learned and/or evolved over eons to be more interested in love, intimacy, and security than in carnal sex?

We are sexual beings; there is no escaping it. Infant boys and girls become physically aroused. Little boys and girls like to rub themselves "down there." One of the great mysteries for most of us as a small child is "How are babies made?" Another is "What do girls/boys look like?" There are good books to read to little folks and books for maturing teenagers (Madaras, 1988a, 1988b).

If you ask a college class to anonymously write down a secret, something they are ashamed of, the response is frequently about sex. Things like, "I had an abortion," "I masturbate," "I went out with a married man/woman," "I had sex with someone I didn't love," "I had oral sex with my boyfriend," "I'm attracted to my own sex," "I've had sex with a black," "I'm attracted to large penises/breasts" and so on. For a culture that thinks of itself as sexually liberal, we have a lot of hang-ups, a lot of guilt.

On the other hand, since 1960 there has been an explosion of sexual activity, some of it foolishly impulsive and inconsiderate of one's partner. Many teenagers get pregnant (see later discussion). In fact, some studies find that 60% to 90% do not use a contraceptive during intercourse the first time. Other reports say 2/3's of teens use contraceptives the first time but only 17% use condoms all the time. Many college women forget to take their pill 3 or 4 times a month.

In any case, more than one-third of all sexually active teenaged women become pregnant before they are nineteen (Maier, 1984). In the late 1980's, college students were becoming more sexually active but using contraceptives less. This helps explain the large number of abortions in this country. It seems as though guilt and personal shame about sex doesn't prevent intercourse but does prevent the advanced planning necessary for the prevention of pregnancy. Also, our general emotional discomfort with sex may reduce the use of condoms and increase AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases.

In our society, sex is taboo from birth to the mid-teens--don't play with yourself, don't use "dirty" (sexual) words, don't read "filthy" (sexual) books or see R-rated movies, don't have sex until you are older and in love. But when you decide to have sex, you are supposed to immediately function perfectly, i.e. the virginal male is supposed to instantly be a wonderful, considerate lover and the virginal female immediately aware of what to do and how to be orgasmic.

What foolish expectations (under those conditions). Everyone knows it can't work that way if young people aren't taught about sex or are taught that sex is bad. Yet, starting with infants, hands are removed from the genitalia. At age 4 or 5 we are still being told not to touch ourselves "down there." Weinrich (1987) gives a delightful example of this prolonged early sex training:

Mother sees her 4-year-old rubbing his penis through his pants and asks, "What are you doing?" (She knows what he is doing! But, yet, she asks.)
The boy replies, "Nothing."
(He knows what he was doing! But even at four, he knows to deny his actions.)
Mother totally ignores his lie and denial, saying, "Well, stop it!"
The boy indirectly admits the truth by responding, "Okay" and, with little apparent reaction, goes back to his play.

This interaction might occur in any home but notice the lack of frank, overt, explicit communication here. The boy has already learned and is over-learning that rubbing his penis in front of mom is so awful, at least in mom's eyes, that it is unspeakable. They totally avoid discussing why he is touching his penis or how good it feels.

Mom doesn't admit she has done it privately. Mother doesn't make it clear that other people--including her--might be upset by his openly pleasuring himself in front of them and, thus, he shouldn't do it publicly, but it is fine to do it alone. Instead, this little 4-year-old boy is forced to figure out on his own these subtle, confused or mixed messages from mom (or dad).

Actually, even though he stops rubbing himself, we can't be sure what his interpretation of the interaction really will be. Perhaps he will think: rubbing my penis is a bad thing to do. Or he may say to himself: it's okay, if I don't let anyone see me. Or, perhaps: mom (and other women) thinks my penis is disgusting. Or, maybe: I'm bad and do nasty, weird things that other boys don't do. Taboos and silence create secrets--sometimes delightful secrets, sometimes disturbing secrets. A little honest talk would be helpful.

It is easy to see how silence becomes a powerful but unguided form of "sex education." Consider how we deal with little girls. They have a vagina and a clitoris, both of which produce feelings. Yet, many women are never told anything about their vagina--not its location, not its functions, and not how it feels--until blood starts coming out of "their bottom." We parents are even more secretive about the clitoris. Since its only purpose is to feel good, we seem to be especially careful to say nothing. Are we afraid? ashamed? unsure of what to say? But by saying nothing, we only add confusion and fears to their wondering about where babies come from, what do other people look like, how do people make babies, is it all right to touch myself and tingle "down there" where my pee comes from, etc. Thank goodness for the explicit children's books about sex (Madaras, 1988a, 1988b).

If the young person going through puberty has never been told "it's okay or even healthy to masturbate," the implication is that such acts are too naughty for mom or dad to talk about. Indeed, many people still think masturbation is bad. For centuries the Catholic church has condemned masturbation as sinful; this church still calls it a "seriously disordered act" (sounds like a mental illness!). Twenty years ago about 50% of Americans actually said "masturbation is always wrong" (Levitt & Klassen, 1973). That's amazing! But that percentage may not have changed much. Surgeon-General Joyce Elders was fired, in part, because she advocated including information about masturbation in sex education courses.

We must remember that only 60 years ago our society still believed the medical "science" of the mid-1800's, namely, that masturbation caused insanity, mental retardation, apathy, fatigue, poor memory, blindness, headaches, etc. No kidding! This negative attitude towards a wonderful aspect of the human body is a major problem. An innocent, harmless act which relieves sexual tension, helps control sexual impulses, increases sexual self-confidence, and provides great pleasure somehow becomes seen as negative or bad by 57% of female adolescents and 45% of male adolescents (Masters, Johnson & Kolodny, 1985). We are doing something wrong.

People who enjoy masturbating are more likely to have climaxes later in life (Kinsey, et al., 1953) while making love. Men usually ejaculate easily but women frequently have trouble climaxing. One reason for this is that men masturbate by grasping and stroking the penis with one hand. This is similar to the movements and sensations during intercourse, so for men masturbation is good training for intercourse. Women often masturbate in ways that are unlike intercourse: light strokes on or near the clitoris (48%), vibrator on or near clitoris (26%), squeezing the legs together (4%), running water on the genitals (4%), stroking the breasts, having sexual fantasies, and so on (Masters, Johnson & Kolodny, 1985). (They rarely masturbate in ways similar to intercourse, i.e. inserting something in and out the vagina.)

If one learns to have a climax in only one way and if that way is incompatible with intercourse, e.g. by squeezing the legs together, it may be difficult to achieve an orgasm when having intercourse with a partner. Thus, many women have to deal with two problems: (1) having little or no past experience with climaxing via masturbation and/or (2) having masturbatory experience that doesn't transfer well to intercourse. Women need to research these matters. It seems like it would be best for women to learn to enjoy masturbating by stimulating the clitoris in several ways (unless their religious or moral beliefs prohibit it).

As a psychotherapist, you may wonder why I would choose to write and produce "The Art Of Female Ejaculation," and the answer is simple. I wish to provide sexually empowering information to all women and their partners.

I have often had clients start out a sexually oriented question with such phrases as "Is this normal?" or "I know I am weird for liking this, but� am I crazy for feeling this or wanting this?" The fact that we often ask this is just another example of how our society is truly misguided and in need of some serious liberation around sexual issues!

I have to chuckle with sadness behind it that our overly extreme society worries so much about sexuality. Because we have not been able to be balanced about our sexuality, we have often seen it presented through two extreme lenses; the outrage against sexuality and the pursuit of "deviant" sexuality.

We often see that people in our sexually dysfunctional society of ours will make violence more acceptable then sex! How inappropriate it is that we would make a movie rated "R" for sexual content, but another rated "PG" when people are killing each other in it. Seems to me our values are a bit off when we see sex, which is natural, beautiful and pleasureful, as something we should hide or have shame about, and entertainment with war and murder as perfectly acceptable.

My question is, why aren't we teaching both men and women about their bodies, their sexuality and how to truly embrace it as something healthy and enjoyable?

Personally I did not learn about female ejaculation until after my twenties. Can we just pause there for a moment� why is it that an educated, sexually aware woman in this day and age, should be in the dark about the very existence of female ejaculation? What is going on here?

Since then, I have become a woman on a mission, to ensure that women and their partners be awakened not only to the fact that female ejaculation exists, but exactly what it is, how it works, and how to do it!

Female ejaculation is normal, natural, and quite frankly a beautiful, sensual expression of a woman's sexuality. If you or your partner struggle with belief systems that are contrary to this, I truly hope that you can reevaluate what you have been taught, and find your own sexuality beautiful from the depths of your heart.

It is time for all of us to learn that our sexual feelings are normal. They are in fact wonderful, and experiencing them in any situation that enables respect and integrity to ourselves and a partner is ultimately a way for us all to evolve into more complete beings.

A woman should never be made to feel that this normal, physical, sexual response is wrong, repulsive, or is something that she should be ashamed of.

It is a natural way for a woman to experience sexual pleasure. It should be celebrated just as much a man's ejaculation process.

No matter, what sexual norms you are accustomed to, my only suggestion is to take a step back and look at the messages that you were given growing up. Do they still suit you? Or are you holding back what will release you into sexual freedom and personal empowerment. Embrace yourself for all that you are, including your desires!