Sex With A Disability At Holistic Wisdom, Inc.

Sex With A Disability
Daring To Explore & Live Passionately With Or Without One

Recently, I received a call from a courageous young man named Mike who is paraplegic. He wanted to know about safe oral sex and other aspects of sexuality.

I have to say that when he called, I was very keen to the fact that he was nervous through his shaky voice and his hesitancy to even ask for advice on this subject. We ended up speaking for quite some time, and by the end of the conversation he had admitted to being very nervous when he had first called, but was now much more at ease and felt like he had been able to explore his questions in a satisfactorily way.

Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D., C.E.O.
Holistic Wisdom Founder

What I told him at the end of our conversation was that I was glad that he called for a few reasons. First, I was of course glad that I was able to provide him with information that he may find useful. Secondly, I was glad that he called because it reminded me of how many people there are that struggle to make the best of sex while working through obstacles of physical disabilities and how much courage it takes for them to even try.

So many physically healthy adults struggle with sexuality; throw in a physical disability and your sex life can be truly challenging. I wanted to share with you my discussion with Mike, for those of you with disabilities, if you are with someone who has one and for those who are perfectly healthy as the more basics of these issues apply to everyone.

Mike is like many people who are hesitant to ask questions regarding their sexuality and simply want to learn more about the beautiful part of who they are. Now, some may question why Mike would bother... being paralyzed from the waist down. Yet, Mike and I agree on a very key aspect of sex... which is that desire, passion, pleasure... it all originates and ends in the mind.

The question is not why should he bother, but why shouldn't he? Don't those who have handicaps still deserve to have intimacy, physical touch and visual stimulation? Don't we all deserve to experience everything that our senses allow us to?

Through Harlow's monkey experiments in 1969, the need for touch in humans was proven. In turn, it showed that those that don't receive physical touch actually develop attachment disorders and develop a failure to thrive.

Our body responds to touch even if we cannot feel it. Our mind responds to the idea of being touched and and our heart certainly craves loving gestures. So, the reality is that even if a part of the body is not functioning at full capacity, there is no reason why anyone should think that someone does not need attention physically, emotionally and mentally!

I am happy to say that the first time she put the vibrator to his penis, he maintained an erection and ejaculated for the first time through sexual stimulation! Of course there is a lack of sensation or none at all in situations like this, but the happiness that he conveyed of being able to achieve this, to see it and have his girlfriend experience that with him was beyond amazing for both of them and made them feel intimacy on a whole new level.

It's like the old adage, when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade. You can always reach levels of fulfillment that may not be obvious to the mainstream. I know that if I were in an accident tomorrow and were paralyzed that I would still want to experience my husband sexually, to feel his love and know that we could share something emotionally and physically intimate with one another. Why wouldn't anyone?

SexualHealth.com is a comprehensive on-line source for disability & sexuality information. It's the best place to start any search for information, resources, and support regarding sexuality with disabilities.

When speaking with Mike, I told him that I was going to write about our conversation because I felt that often what one person is struggling with, you will find many are struggling with similar issues.

When we openly discuss our vulnerabilities with others it allows us all the opportunity to feel interconnected. It allows us to know that we are not alone, that we have worth and gives us compassion for ourselves and others.

I asked Mike what he thought was important to convey about his situation and he told me the following...

~	You don't have to have orgasms to have great sexual experiences.
~	The desire and satisfaction of sex is in your mind and there is so much to enjoy even when working with the challenges of a disability.
~	Just because one has sex with a person who has a disability does not necessarily mean that the person with the disability is being used. The person who has a disability is still a sexual human being and has their own needs.
~	From the physically and emotionally exchanges to even watching someone masturbate is a sexually intimacy that can be a great turn on and very satisfying.
~	Partners of those with disabilities need to be patient and understanding of what the disability obstacles are on a physical and psychological level. Being disabled can affect self esteem, performance and ultimately make one feel more vulnerable.

What I expressed to Mike was that it is important to have goals for the future, to try and achieve new and creative ways to explore sexuality. Other things that I expressed-

~	To remember that blood flow and stimulation to all parts of the body is healthy. From massage to sexual activity it is important to stimulate the entire body to achieve healthy balance even when you may not be able to feel it. It is the same reason that people who are bedridden receive physical therapy... keeping muscles from atrophying and healthy blood flow helps maintain health. That includes the genitals.
~	The psychological aspect of receiving attention from another person in itself is comforting, pleasureful and something that all people crave on some level.
~	Mike and I also discussed the issue of STDs and of course the same rules apply as far as how to get them. What may be different is how to go about using the condom or dental dam when positions are more challenging.
~	We discussed using tools that help make positions easier such a sex toy swings and Liberator Shapes.
~	One of the things we discussed about STDs is the issue that many people struggle with... bringing up the subject with a potential or current lover. This can feel intrusive, embarrassing and even scary. There is of course the feeling that if we ask someone to get tested or for their sexual history they will lose interest in having sex. What some feel is that they are lucky enough to be getting the attention and don't want to even bring it up. However, what can result from not asking can mean a lot more challenges physically should an STD occur and certainly is not worth the risk. When we ask someone about their STD history or to be tested we are saying to them that we care about ourselves. We are saying that we want to make sure that we are healthy and that we are responsible adults. Certainly there are tactful ways to ask someone to be tested or about their history, and I of course recommend it.

Three Tips On How To Really Make Love To Someone Regardless of Physical Ability-

1.	Make EVERY word that they hear from you translate into "I LOVE YOU!"
2.	Each time you look at your lover, let them look back into your eyes. Let them see deep inside of you, that you are genuine and love them without fail.
3.	Each time that you touch them (whether they physically feel it or not) let them see the passion in your touch. Let them see the love in your heart.

To all those that have negative things happen to them and work to learn the lessons that come with them, to take them and make them strong, to turn their obstacles into making something positive... I commend you.

Mike, thanks for sharing your fears with me, for encouraging me to share these issues with others... so that the courage you showed in reach out can be an inspiration to others.