Lisa
S. Lawless, Ph.D., C.E.O.
Holistic Wisdom Founder
Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D., CEO
One
of the most common topics that people write in about is in regard
to the troubles of a relationship where intimacy is failing.
Core issues
may vary, ranging from sexual dysfunction, sexual abuse, drug
& alcohol dependence, to more general stressors from work,
children or family related problems. There are many reasons
why couples are not able to find the intimacy they once had.
For
the sake of this article, I am going to provide general ideas
of what you and your partner can do to make the changes necessary
to get the intimacy you desire.
Communicate-
So
many people simply don't talk to one another.
I know there are a lot of you out there that feel worried about
what your partner may think of your true thoughts and feelings.
I also know how hard it is to be vulnerable in any relationship
whether you are married or just dating.
Yet,
if you continue to live in fear, deny who you really are to
your partner, then you are never going to know if they really
love you for all that you are. You are most likely going to
have challenges that arise because of the fact that you are
holding back and you are not going to experience what true intimacy
is until you make the commitment to have it by being honest.
What
makes you feel relaxed, seductive, and romantic? Do you love
the smell of scented candles? Do you feel relaxed and sensual
in bubble baths? Do you enjoy certain musical selections? Do
you love wearing or looking at lingerie? Do you love the feel
of satin, silk, or cotton sheets against your skin? Do you like
the outdoors? Do you desire certain themes: romantic, BDSM,
silly?
Think
about what it is that you enjoy and take the time to talk with
your partner about it. Ask them to share the same information
with you. Honestly, how can you effectively seduce your partner
if you don't know what makes them feel seductive? How can your
partner seduce you if you have not taken the time to figure
out what you enjoy? Exploring this through discussions is a
very basic thing that you can do to create atmospheres for one
another that will encourage intimacy.
In
Bed-
Believe it or not many couples never discuss specifically what
they like and do not like in bed. I encourage couples to have
a "tutoring session" for one another at least on one
occasion... but preferably on an ongoing basis. Take time to
retreat to the bedroom with the only agenda of learning what
pleases you and your partner. Experiment without the goal of
orgasm; rather with what feels good and what does not. Try new
positions, fingering techniques, toys, lubricants. Think about
it... how can a couple know what really makes them hot lovers
to one another if they don't try out different approaches to
pleasuring one another and communicate about it?
If
there are emotional issues that arise... this could be a great
time to discuss them... from feeling vulnerable, inadequate,
and even ashamed or "dirty" for liking things or "prude"
for not liking them. Be honest with one another... take the
plunge into intimacy to find out what you and your partner are
capable of sexually and emotionally. For if you do not, then
you will not truly know your relationships full potential.
Being
one who is in a monogamous marriage myself, I know that it is
sometimes hard to share your deepest desires even with a spouse...
yes, it can be hard even for a sex educator. I mean, it's just
down right hard at times to be vulnerable to anyone if you ask
me... but the beautiful intimacy you can achieve with the one
you love is certainly worth the risk.
I
believe in walking my talk and would not recommend doing it,
if I did not take those risks myself. After having other relationships
that did not work, it was when I made myself truly open to a
man that I could trust and whom I loved that allowed me to know
my hubby was my soul mate. I remember times when I was shaking
because I was so nervous to talk about such things as my struggles
with poor body image and low self esteem. I remember crying
when I admitted that I sometimes struggle with jealousy and
need reassurance from him. Yet, he shared with me similar vulnerabilities
and it was through this sharing that made not only our sex life
better, but our relationship stronger.
Rules
Of Respect-
Remember
that when you do this with your partner there should be ground
rules before you begin... this means that if you or your partner
do not feel comfortable with something then you should not proceed
until it has been discussed and resolved. It is important to
commit to yourself and your partner that you will maintain respect
toward their preferences and feelings even if you do not relate
to them. The goal is to create a safe environment. You should
agree never to use any of those things shared during these vulnerable
times against one another in arguments, or criticize them for
sharing with you.
Remember
that no partner will ever be exactly like you... the whole point
is that we find someone who compliments us... not clones us!
Respect and celebrate each other's differences, explore and
share... enjoy!
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Healing
& Sexual Abuse
The Courage To Love With The Pain
Lisa
S. Lawless, Ph.D., C.E.O.
Holistic Wisdom Founder
Having
worked with sexually abused & assaulted men and women I
know that there are unspeakable things that people endure and
the fact that they still get up each morning is an inspiration
to me.
Many
sexual abuse & assault victims suffer in silence
fearing their own feelings and their partners reactions
to them.
If
you struggle with it or know someone who does find support
and know that there is hope, love and beauty in sexuality.
No
one really heals as though the wounding never happened; rather
the pain becomes part of who we are. Words of comfort do not
make the passage less challenging, rather they aid us in our
ability to endure it.
It
is through pain that we learn to be empathic toward others and
thus part of who we are. While we do not have the choice to
keep many painful events from happening to us, we do have the
control and power to determine what we allow our pain to become
and what it shapes us into.
While
it seems there are many who have a challenging road still ahead
in their attempts to come to terms with their painful past,
I am certain that having support and love shown by others make
the burden more bearable.
If
you have been sexually abused remember that seeking out love
and sharing sexual intimacy is a testament to your courage as
vulnerability is strength.
For
information on legal, therapy and support resources for sexual
assault, rape, and other forms of sexual abuse click the link
below-
Joanne
Webb Update- Gag Order Continues
Under Attack Selling Sex Toys &
Talking About Sex... Illegal?
Lisa
S. Lawless, Ph.D., C.E.O.
Holistic Wisdom Founder
Joanne
Webb
If
you haven't been following our story, Joanne Webb, a former
fifth-grade teacher, is a Burleson, TX, suburban mother and
part-time saleswoman for a company called Passion Parties, Inc.
She is also in the middle of one of the most ridiculous criminal
cases. Joanne provides adult novelties that are sold at Tupperware-type
house parties. These parties are educational and great for people
who feel more comfortable buying marital aids in a private home
than at an adult bookstore.
Acting
on a tip in November 2003, two undercover officers got a warrant
for her arrest on charges that she had sold obscene devices,
a violation of state law.
Updates-
Judge
issues temporary gag order in sex toys arrest case
January 29, 2004
Joanne &
Husband Chris are bankrupt after her loss of income and employment
difficulties for her husband due to the economy.
Legal income is also important.
Joanne still
awaits her court date under a gag order. She has been under
tremendous stress and appreciates your support
via eMails.
As far I've
heard, Joanne's trial date is not set yet, but they are anticipating
a
summer trial. It may (hopefully) not even
come to that, since her lawyer is currently
challenging the constitutionality of the
law in the Federal courts.
The Dallas
Observer is planning a big expose the end of this month or early
April.
Playboy is
going to interview Joanne in a few weeks.
Lisa
S. Lawless, Ph.D., CEO
I
sent Joanne an eMail recently when she contacted me feeling
emotionally overwhelmed by this whole unjust case. I think often
times when we read a story in the newspaper or watch it on T.V.
we forget how unbelievably stressful it is for those who are
living the story.
Like
Joanne, I too have had emotionally exhausting days when it feels
overwhelming to educate people about sexual issues. I know it
probably sounds dramatic to say, but it really can be a stressful
career path as it requires a great deal of responsibility and
risk to do it.
Look
around and you will see many extreme conservatives who wish
to take away our sexual education, sexual enhancement products
and silence those who teach that sexuality is a beautiful part
of who we are. I write this because it is important that you
know we in the USA are at great risk for sexual repression by
the agenda of those who wish to shame and ostracize sexual educators
whom teach that sexuality is natural and something we should
embrace. Joanne's case is a modern day witch hunt, and instead
of burning her at the stake they are trying to put her in jail
away from her family, friends and career of sexual education.
Below
is my eMail to Joanne. In it I share my personal feelings and
thoughts in hopes of allowing you a more personal glimpse of
the emotional challenges and legal risks for those in the sexual
education field-
Please
note that our company is not associated with any religion as
we embrace all people regardless of religion, ethnicity or sexual
orientation.
Dear
Joanne,
I
am so sorry to hear how hard this is for you. I am going to
share with you my intellectual thoughts on all of this, but
before I do that... let me come from my heart. I am scared too.
I was scared to originally call you as I was worried that your
phone may be tapped because of the investigation and that they
would target me next (I can be subpoenaed to Texas too). I was
REALLY scared to write about this in my newsletter and bring
attention to my business about any of it.
Yet,
I looked into my heart and I felt the answer. If I could not
reach out to you and stand by you in this, then who am I to
expect anyone to do it for me if I were in your shoes... and
how easy it would be for me to be in your shoes doing what I
do. What kind of person would I be if I did not reach out to
you?
I
think often we rationalize inaction as not causing harm, yet
I think that can be equally harmful because everything we do
whether we are active or passive results in a consequence. I
could not in good conscience not reach out to you and
show my support despite my fears. I worry about how you are
holding up and I have actually cried thinking about all the
stress this has put on you and yours.
I
have faced many of my fears by publicly running my company as
well as showing my support of you. I often have a hard time
sleeping and stress a lot about it all. It takes me days to
do a newsletter because I want to make sure I do it with integrity.
Yet, sometimes I question myself and wonder what I have gotten
myself and my family into by going into the field at all. How
much safer it would have been to have stayed working for a psychiatric
hospital or in mainstream therapy in private practice.
While
my Mother and other family members support me, there are often
comments like "We don't want to know about what you do," or
"We don't want to talk about what you do." Kinda makes me feel
like I am wearing a scarlet letter as I wrote about in my last
newsletter.
Then
there are the companies that won't do business with my company.
God only knows what they think. Funny how I get so many eMails,
calls and personal comments of positive support and yet the
small amount of negative stuff impacts me so much. I know my
soul really wants me to face these issues of which I get so
overwhelmed sometimes. When things get stressful and believe
me they do, I think "What more can I handle?" With tears welling
in my eyes I hear my heart strongly reassure me... " A lot."
I
guess if there is one thing I could say to you is that while
I do not have answers... I do have so much empathy and compassion
for what you are doing. I am here for you day or night... don't
hesitate to call me if you just want to chat or even a friend
to just sit with and have a good cry. I could actually use that
too, because like it or not, this is really hard no matter how
right it is!
My
Thoughts On Those That Judge You-
I
see our spiritual evolution as a way that we face our fears
by openly dealing with them and accepting that we need to be
challenged in order to grow. When we reject that and run from
it or avoid it our soul finds more dramatic ways to present
the same issue to get our attention. I believe that ultimately
whether we like it or not, we will continue to be faced with
a repetitive issues until we face them.
I
always joke that our soul will teach us the lesson, it is just
a matter of how much of a fight we put up in this life or after
to get it! I see those who persecute as struggling greatly with
sexual issues, compassion and letting go of control. Think about
how brilliant it is that because you are following your souls
highest path that you are now their teacher. By modeling to
them what it means to come to terms with their fears.
Think
about the witch burnings... think they weren't burning women
who were doing the equivalent of selling sex toys in their own
time? They were! They were burning women to death for questioning
their authority, and who displayed their sensual natures, etc.
Personally, if Jesus did come down again, I think he would be
really pissed off that these so called Christians were doing
such horrible things in his name.
Your
story Joanne, is a modern day witch hunt and "They know not
what they do." I try to remember this when I have been shunned
in the past and occasionally still am because I truly believe
that it comes down to levels of spiritual evolvement.
When
you are spiritually evolved at a high level you understand that
it is the easy path to give your power away to a pastor and
believe everything they tell you. It is easy to believe things
based on fear (not faith). It is easy to believe the worst about
someone rather than the best. However, it is not easy to think
for yourself, and take responsibility for your own spiritual
awareness.
It
is not easy to listen to your heart and follow it despite the
majority telling you that what you are doing is wrong.
It
is hard to understand our life's plan sometimes because often
we feel so small and overwhelmed when we choose such a path.
I think about Alice Paul who was the leader in a woman's right
to vote and suffered greatly to ensure that women were legally
equal in their political voice. I look at Martin Luther King,
Jr., Gandhi and other great people who followed their heart
against even greater adversity and have changed the world for
the better. I think about Rosa Parks refusing to sit in the
back of the bus, her heart pounding, hands sweating knowing
that she was literally risking her life to make a stand.
Yet,
I am certain, like all of those before us and those who will
come after, there are always moments of wondering just what
the hell we are doing! I have wept with deep grief over the
loss of support and contact with my mother & father in-law,
sister in-law, father, and three friends because of my choice
to be a sexual educator. I can understand it in my head, but
my heart really struggles with it. I cannot imagine being so
judgmental and fear based in my life.
Honestly,
I have not met many people who have the courage to be vulnerable,
to come from love and to embrace that it is the highest calling
to follow our hearts even if that means that we question the
religious and political leaders of our time. Galileo had wished
to educate and teach that the our planetary system revolved
around the sun not the earth. The church forbid him from doing
so as they said it was against the bible.
We look for black and white answers in a multicolored world.
To live like that leaves us conflicted and often hypocritical.
Joanne,
what you are doing is right because it comes from your heart.
No matter how stressful this is just know that what you have
done has helped so many others, including myself to have courage.
I am glad that you and I can keep offering one another support
because I know I need it, and it sure sounds like you do too.
Love
& Light,
Lisa
If
you have not read the full story CLICK
HERE to read all about it.
See
comments made by Joanne and our readers since our last update
in our readers forum below.
Please
note that our company is not associated with any religion as
we embrace all people regardless of religion, ethnicity or sexual
orientation.
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The
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I could not help but recommend the
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The
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When my hubby and I first began dating and I was planning
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Both of us to this day feel ready to whisk one another
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spiritual, and downright spicy! - Lisa
S. Lawless, Ph.D., CEO (Holistic Wisdom Founder) Read
& See More
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Vaginal
Sex
Tips & Tools
Lisa
S. Lawless, Ph.D., C.E.O.
Holistic Wisdom Founder
Great vaginal
sex consists of many different aspects; all of which combine
to make this beautiful act really pleasurable. Whether you are
using a penis or dildo there are some basic tips and tools that
I will review so that you can better enjoy teasing and stimulating
the beautiful "goddess flower."
Clitoris
Appetizer-
Many women
will agree with me when I say that you cannot go wrong when
you play with the clitoris first. That sweet, pink, little pleasure
button offers so much stimulation and encourages natural lubricants
to be excreted when stimulated. One of my personal favorites
is using a vibrator to stimulate my clitoris until I have an
orgasm and then have vaginal intercourse.
Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D.,
CEO
Not only
does it send lots of blood to the vaginal area for added stimulation,
fills the skenes glands with female ejaculate that is ready
to be expelled, but also creates swelling of the vaginal walls
making a more pleasureful snug sensation for my hubby, but also
the "pressure" of whether or not I have had an orgasm
is no longer and issue! A really nice way to begin!
Here
are my favorite vibrators
that I love to use for this purpose-
The
Holistic Wisdom Journal 
Joanne &
Husband Chris are bankrupt after her loss of income and employment
