The Holistic Wisdom Journal  

April 15, 2003 ~ Articles In This Issue...

~ Christianity & Porn
   Is It Right Or Wrong?

~ Vaginal Fitness
   The Benefits To Keeping It Fit & Healthy

~ Married Or Single With Children And Managing A Sex Life
    Exploring Ways For Parents To Stay Intimate With Themselves & Their Partner

~ Viagra & Erectile Dysfunction

Christianity & Porn
Is It Right Or Wrong?

Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D., C.E.O.
Holistic Wisdom Founder

Recently, I received an eMail from a Christian Minister whom indicated he wanted to write a book on Pornography in terms of a Christian perspective. He indicated that he felt that porn was not necessarily morally wrong and wanted my insights into this topic. This is what I wrote to him-

1) What is my viewpoint on porn?

I feel that porn is acceptable if it follows the following criteria-

a) It is between consenting adults (with no restrictions on "race" number of people
    involved or sexual orientation... my motto is "If it harm none do as you will.")

b) It is created, distributed and packaged in a way that follows not only state and
    federal guidelines, but also with the intent that only adults will view it.

c) It provides safety to its actors or actresses regarding VD and general safety and
    encourages views to do the same.

I do acknowledge that many who get into the porn industry do so for unhealthy reasons (sexual abuse playing itself out) as well as low self esteem issues. These issues will most likely always be at play and there is only the ability to recognize that like anyone in any profession, there are issues that people must work through.

I also acknowledge that there is a lot of plastic surgery and other types of appearance enhancements that are accentuated in porn. However, I see this as no different as a woman putting on perfume to smell nice or a man wearing a suit with padded shoulders to appear more powerful. That is the way of our society and personally, I believe it to be a matter of “what is right for the individual" not an issue of what is right or wrong. True, it does contribute to a lot of controversial issues... such as a false sense of what is a normal body... but this is a tangent... and one I could spent a lot of time on... perhaps in another article.

2) Christian Views-

Christians throughout history are known for their conservatism especially around matters of sex. Regardless of one's religious affiliations, I believe that to be a spiritually healthy person one must seek balance. Balance is not achieved through fear, or judgment. Rather the key word is DISCERNMENT as to what is right for us.

The Christian history is not the most flattering and much political corruption played a part in its development. I often have found that much of the black and white type of thinking that can be found within it comes from a need for control over the masses rather than empowerment. It can be fear based rather than love based... love of self, and for all that we are including being a sexual being. I address this in my book and video "The Art Of Female Ejaculation," and hope that it will be food for thought to those that have repressed their sexual natures out of fear that it is wrong.

Don't misunderstand me regarding my attitude toward the Christian religion as a whole... there are many open minded Christians (like yourself) that approach life with a sense of humility and awe, rather than a surface breakdown of rules to "get into heaven and avoid hell." The Celestine Prophesy by James Redfield had a wonderful stance on what hell and the search for enlightenment is about and it is a book I highly recommend to you if you have not already read it.

The idea that embracing visual stimulation through porn will only cause someone to become unbalanced and go to extremes can only be thought by someone who is on the other extreme. The trick of life is not abstinence or excess; it is finding balance. It is a pretty hard thing to do and thus is often why I think people become fearful or lazy and err on the side of one extreme or another. That is avoidance and if there is one thing I know to be true above all else is that your soul will not allow you to avoid your issues.

I often use the analogy of that to a "wall" which is representative of an "issue" one must face. The wall starts out being only a couple feet high and while an inconvenience to step over to continue on our path of evolution it is one that we must eventually get over. When we avoid dealing with that wall (issue) our soul attempts to get our attention by making it higher and more challenging to get over. The more we resist the higher and more treacherous it gets. By the time a person hits bottom and realizes they are not able to continue at all until they deal with this wall (issue) there can be barbed wire at the top and a fire breathing dragon behind them urging them to overcome it. The soul's attempts to evolve are infinitely stronger than our conscious mind in this lifetime and to resist will only bring about pain and suffering in this life or after.

I believe in G-d and feel that no one can interpret what G-d wants for others; rather they can only interpret what is right for themselves through their heart. It is the voice of G-d that can be heard through the heart and comes from a place of love not fear. A place where we are encouraged to embrace our differences with one another, as well as seek out integrity, and find our own path; our own truth to evolve.

My understanding of why we are here is not to get to "heaven," but to embrace being in our physical bodies to experience our souls on a level that allows us to evolve and learn lessons not afforded by being in a spiritual state (which we ultimately return to). As everyone's lessons and path to enlightenment is different, as we are all unique and represent different aspects of G-d's reflection, than we must first find what is right in our heart, not what someone else says to be "right" or "wrong" for us.

It is true that we all need guidance, and being one that people come to for guidance (psychotherapist) much like your role as a minister, we understand that it is with great responsibility that we must give suggestions. Personally, I admire ministers that encourage people to think for themselves through provocative topics and parables rather than lay down rules.

I believe the Bible to be a beautiful source of meaningful lessons and stories to parlay those. However, I also believe that there are infinite interpretations that can be obtained from one story and therefore, I think letting one have the ultimate conclusion as to what the lesson is for them is ideal.

My hope is that if you write this book on Christian perspectives regarding porn that you make an attempt not to come from a place that would make a stand on what is right or wrong; rather suggest that perhaps people may embrace their sexuality as it is a natural, healthy part of who we are. Allowing for the enjoyment of sexual enhancers such as sex toys, educational materials and visual stimulation through magazines and videos (porn).

You may find that people respond more favorably to the term "adult material" rather than porn. It is much like one cringing at the phrase "psychic ability" over using something like "intuition." There has been a lot of negativity associated with the word porn, and sometimes for the right reasons. That is not to say that it is wrong, but that like all things it is a paradox and holds both positive and negative attributes.

3) Porn & Couples-

Porn can have negative affects on people in that it may cause conflict in oneself and within a partnership. It can also become a source of coping and obsession. Sometimes porn movies trigger insecurities within people, abuse memories, or even is a catalyst for jealousy with a partner.

However, much like a weapon it is harmless unless used by someone who is perhaps not ready for it, who it is not appropriate for or has issues around sexuality that should work through first. It may not be something they want or need and this is perfectly understandable. With every negative aspect however, there is an opportunity for growth and thus, something that may prove to be a catalyst for growth so I encourage people to open their minds when exploring if it is right for them.

4) Is Porn For Everyone?

No, people are entitled to not be interested in porn or appreciate it. I am completely understanding of that. The reasons stated above are just a few as to why people may not be an advocate or viewer of it. However, what I do feel is inappropriate is for someone to say that what is right for them is right for everyone else. With humility and empathy I am open to others having differing viewpoints and lifestyles than my own.

There are many paths to enlightenment and just as mine may not be right for them, theirs may not be right for me. For someone to assume that their viewpoints are the correct ones is absurd and not only dishonors me as an individual but goes against the constitution of the country in which I love and live in... the United States.

5) In Closing...

My hope is that there are more people that promote healthy sexual attitudes including challenging the norm in order to provoke thought and open minds to the idea that sex is a beautiful, healthy and natural act.

Wanting it, learning about it, partaking in it, and watching it can be an opportunity to simply embrace ourselves as a sexual being. The world is what we make it; if we are open to loving ourselves for all that we are, including our sexuality, than I believe it would be a more beautiful place in which to be.

Blessings,

Lisa

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Vaginal Fitness
   The Benefits To Keeping It Fit & Healthy

Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D., C.E.O.
Holistic Wisdom Founder

Just as men benefit from taking care of their equipment and can do exercises to enhance their penis size and control, women benefit as well when they address their sexual health through vaginal exercise.

The Kegel exercise is named after Dr. Arnold Kegel who studied the pubococcygeal muscles (or muscles of the pelvic floor). These muscles form a hammock that spans the area between the anus and the pubic bone.

Kegel exercises help tone and strengthen the pelvic floor muscles. These muscles are important for proper tone of the bladder, urethra, vagina, uterus and rectum. Kegel exercises should be done by all women, but especially after the delivery of an infant, as a treatment for urinary incontinence and pelvic relaxation that often comes with the aging process, and for improving sexual relations by improving pelvic floor control.

Good vaginal muscle tone and control are important for several reasons:

SUPPORT OF THE BLADDER: Certain circumstances, especially childbirth and hysterectomy, can lead to a dropping down of the bladder. This can result in loss of control and leakage of urine due to sneezing, coughing, laughing, running or straining.

PROPER PLACEMENT OF THE CONTRACEPTIVE DIAPHRAGM.

REDUCED CHANCE OF VAGINAL INFECTIONS: By bringing an increased blood supply to the vaginal lining.

SEXUAL RELATIONS: Increased interest, greater participation and more satisfaction as it allows for better control in tightening the vaginal walls as well as have better control during orgasm and female ejaculation (although it is important to note that a woman can female ejaculate without having an orgasm and can do both without doing such exercises).

For more information on this see our book "The Art Of Female Ejaculation."

Tips For Exercises-

In order to improve your tone and control begin by urinating with your legs spread apart. Start and stop the stream several times. After you have done this, get into a comfortable position when you are lying in bed. Put one or two fingers inside the vagina and imagine that you are starting and stopping the urinary stream. You will notice that the muscles on the sides of the vagina put pressure on your fingers. Experiment to determine the way of contracting these muscles that puts the maximum pressure on your fingers. Make sure you experience a drawing up or pulling inward rather than a bearing down.

You can incorporate this exercise into your daily schedule so you do it often during the day. Especially in the beginning it is important that you occasionally put one or two fingers inside the vagina to make sure you are doing the exercises correctly.

Exercises that strengthen the pelvic muscles involved in urination vaginal exercises are used to treat stress or urge incontinence.

Kegel exercises are done as follows:

~ The muscles to be exercised are the pelvic muscles. These can be felt by
    purposely stopping the flow of urine in midstream and starting again. The muscles
     that squeeze the urethra and anus are the ones involved.

~ Remembering what it felt like to control these muscles during urination, a woman
    tries to contract them when not urinating. If the stomach or buttocks muscles
    tighten, the muscles are not being exercised correctly.

~ A woman tightens these muscles for 3 seconds and then relaxes for 3 seconds.

~ The exercises should be repeated 10 to 15 times per session. A woman should do
    these at least three sessions per day for it to be effective.

Kegel exercises can be performed while traveling, at work, or at odd moments during the day. No one will be aware that a woman is doing the exercises.

Kegel exercises are often combined with biofeedback techniques to teach the proper exercise methods and maintain exercise effectiveness. Biofeedback allows a person to see, feel, or hear when an exercise is being performed correctly. For women, this can be done by having her place a finger in her vagina or anus to feel it contract when the pelvic muscles are exercised. More elaborate devices can also be used that measure the pressure of the bladder and abdominal muscles or provide a measurement of the pressure within the vagina.

Another exercise technique involves using a weighted cone that is inserted into the vagina. The woman must contract the pelvic muscles to prevent the cone from dropping out of the vagina. A set of cones identical in size and shape but of increasing weight are provided. As treatment progresses, heavier cones are used that require stronger contractions to keep them in place.

Kegel exercises improve urinary incontinence in nearly 80% of those who use them, and improve sexual health and pleasure! Kegel exercises can build up the muscles in order to counteract any muscle loosening that occurs as a result of menopause.

There are no risks associated with these treatments. Kegel exercises with or without biofeedback techniques require a high level of motivation and frequent repetition to be successful.

Bottom line... toning your vagina is not just good for sexual pleasure, it's good for your health!

Married Or Single
With Children And Managing A Sex Life
 Exploring Ways For Parents To Stay
Intimate With Themselves & Their Partner

Written By

If you are a parent you know that it is quite a challenge to maintain a healthy sex life whether you are a single parent or with a significant other. Even time for masturbation can seem challenging. Throw a partner into the mix and you have a near impossibility!

Below you will find some tips on how to get in touch with the more sensual side of life while keeping healthy boundaries with your children.

It's easy to stop trying to seduce one another after the honeymoon period of a relationship, but after kids are born, partners can become so wrapped up in their parenting roles that they lose sight of all else. Yet, because regular sex keeps couples more light-hearted, more affectionate and less argumentative ensuring that you are "gettin' some" is important.

A lot of couples say they often feel too tired to have sex, but once they get going, they realize, "Hey, this feels great. We should do this more often!'" Children should be taught to respect their parents' need for private time without them. Not only does setting boundaries around this allow for private time, but it teaches a child that they are not the center of the universe and need to respect other's needs beyond their own. A good lesson if you ask me.

The following list is designed to help parents establish both sexual boundaries and privacy with their children:

1. A lock on the bedroom door. The earlier that kids learn to respect the privacy of
    the parental bedroom, the better, but it's never too late to get a locksmith out to
    the house.

2. A white-noise machine, loud humidifier, fan, radio or boom box that can be moved
    close to the door. You will be more relaxed.

3. An off switch on the bedroom phone. Use it.

4. Private space with a lock for storing anything you'd like your kids not to see like
    sex toys, lubricant, etc. (a file cabinet, tool box, or desk drawer works).

5. Have sexy sleeping wear. Remember the early days of courtship? You wouldn't
    have been caught dead in gray T-shirt, and it's time to bring sexy lingerie back to
    the bedroom. We're all more likely to feel sexy when we look sexy.

6. A reliable babysitter. Whether you want the sitter to take the kids to an afternoon
    movie while you play at home, or just connect over a candlelight dinner, having
    time that you can depend on to be together is important to recharging your sex
    life.

Good Bedtime Routines For Couples-

1) Going to bed together creates the opportunity for physical contact, as well as
    emotional contact.

2) Kissing each other goodnight.

3) Set 30 minutes aside every night to talk without the kids around. If you have 30
    minutes a day of friendly conversation in which you're not talking about the bills
    and you're not talking about the kids' schedules, but just visiting with each other
    like a good friend your marriage will be healthier and so will your children.

A Smoochie Idea For Couples-

One of the first physical activities to go on a sexual relationship with a partner is kissing. Oddly many couples will have sex but have not kissed one another more than a "peck" in years. So on that premise, I will review some kissing techniques below to perhaps remind you of how wonderful it can be and how to start making the passion in your relationship hotter.

Kissing Techniques-

The key to good kissing is creativity and listening to your partners cues. Creativity speaks for itself. Creativity includes trying new ideas, and/or new combinations of movements, locations and moods. Listening refers to paying attention to your partner's verbal and nonverbal signals. Is your partner excited? Is your partner in an aroused mood?

Remember that a sensual kiss can often be very slow in it's motion. The slowness can actually raise the sexual tension by 'pacing' the sexual encounter.

Routines sometimes can act to diminish the excitement, because the other person already knows exactly what will come next. In that way, a 'first' with someone new is always exciting, because you simply have no idea about what to expect. Therefore, in an effort to help people 'break' old patterns a set of different types of kisses have been collected.

Some Different Types of Kissing -
(Some of these kissing tips come from howtohavegoodsex.com)

Suspenseful kiss. The type that has a long buildup and both parties wonder when the other one will start to lean over… or if the other person is even interested.

Elongated kiss- this one involves a bit of mouth movement (opening and closing). With the use of your tongue. Imagine sucking on your arm, while using your tongue to gently pull in the skin, and then push the skin back onto the arm. The movements are best when slow, steady and precise.

Slobbery kiss. This is excellent for cunnilingus and fellatio. The saliva acts as lubrication. However, at all other times, unless specifically requested, avoid the slobbery kiss.

Wetting lips kiss. Run your tongue along the contours of their lips.

Sucking kiss. Exactly that. Suck on their lips. Upper lip kiss. Only kiss the upper part of the lip.

Lower lip kiss. Only kiss the lower part of the lip. The nibbling kiss. Literally, nibble on their lips and nibble/kiss all over their cheeks and ears.

Tongue sucker kiss. Literally, suck on your partner's tongue as if it was a finger.

Teeth cleaner kiss. While kissing, run your tongue along the inside of their mouth. Explore the structure of your partner's teeth. Feel each tooth (within reason), one by one. By following each grove, note the texture (s) of the tooth.

Tongue player kiss. Use your tongue to play with their tongue. Mouth explorer kiss. Use your tongue to explore the rest of your partner's mouth. What does the inside of your partner's cheek feel like, the back of the lips? Does it feel dry, hard, of firm?

Public kiss. Kiss your partner in public, kiss your partner in private.

Motion kiss. Change kissing speeds. Begin super slow, and then let yourself speed up. The beginning part of the kiss should last at least 10 minutes, then after your partner can not stand it any longer speed up. Then, do not forget to slow your speed down. Too much of anything is not a good thing. Frequent subtle alterations, keeps the person guessing as to what will come next.

Loud kiss. Kiss your partner while making loud kissing noises.

Silent kiss. Kiss your partner without making any noise - best to practice when someone is around and you do not want to be heard.

Copycat kiss. Kiss your partner the exact way that she/he kisses you. Follow your partner's lead.

Open eyed kiss. Maintain eye contact during kissing.

Closed eye kiss. Close your eyes and imagine how this kiss will lead to the best sexual encounter ever imaginable.

Lick kiss. While kissing, use your tongue to lick her tongue, her teeth, and the roof of her mouth. Do not confuse this 'lick' with a sloppy wet kiss. This 'lick' is very precise. This technique is meant to be used to pull your partner's mouth slightly closer to yours and to feel what your partner feels like. Please note, your partner's mouth should be relatively dry afterwards.

Talking kiss. The talking kiss refers to whispering sweet nothings to your partner as you kiss them on their lips. In between each kiss or two, while still invading their space, sharing thoughts with them about how much you like them, or how much they turn you on. (i.e. the dress you wore last night, your eyes, the way you handled the situation at dinner etc.).

Elevator kiss. Sneak a kiss in to your partner when you are on the elevator and no one else is around.

Shared Candy Kiss. Sharing a candy or tasty morsel of food can be erotic and yummy!

Peck kiss. Just a fast kiss on the lips, where you literally peck your partner on the lips.

Enjoy!

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Make sure you do not use unknown retailers who may be selling phony Viagra after attracting orders with retail prices lower than Pfizer's wholesale prices.

Frequently Asked Questions About Viagra

~ What is Viagra?

Viagra is a breakthrough treatment for male erectile dysfunction or ED, often called impotence. It is a convenient, discreet pill you take only when you want to have sex. Viagra can help many men who have ED get and keep an erection when they become sexually stimulated, either physically or visually. So with VIAGRA, a touch or a glance from your partner can again lead to something more.

~ What is ED?

Erectile dysfunction, or ED, is the medical term for impotence - the inability to get and/or keep an erection sufficient for satisfactory sexual activity. About 30 million men in the United States suffer from some degree of ED, including about half of all men aged 40 to 70 years.

~ How does Viagra work?

Viagra enables many men with ED to respond to sexual stimulation. When a man is sexually aroused, the arteries in the penis relax and widen, allowing more blood to flow into the penis. As the arteries in the penis expand and harden, the veins that normally carry blood away from the penis become compressed, restricting the blood flow out of the penis. With more blood flowing in and less flowing out, the penis enlarges, resulting in an erection. If the nerves or blood vessels associated with this process aren't working properly, a man may not be able to get an erection. Viagra increases blood flow to the penis, so that when a man is sexually aroused, he can get and keep an erection. When the sexual encounter is over, the erection goes away.

~ How well does Viagra work?

Viagra improves erections in up to 4 of 5 men who take it; regardless of how long they have had ED, what caused it, or how old they are. Will Viagra work as soon as I take it? Take Viagra about 1 hour before engaging in sexual activity. For most patients, beginning in about 30 minutes and lasting up to 4 hours, Viagra can help you get an erection if you are sexually excited.

~ Does Viagra automatically cause an erection?

No. With Viagra, you must be sexually aroused to get an erection. If you take Viagra and are not sexually stimulated, nothing will happen-you won't get an erection just by taking the pill. Viagra is not a hormone. It is not an aphrodisiac. It's a prescription medication that can improve the erectile function of most men with erection problems.

~ How much Viagra can I take?

Viagra comes in different doses (25 mg, 50 mg, and 100 mg). Like many medications, you may have to adjust your initial Viagra dose if it doesn't produce the desired results or you're bothered by side effects. Do not take Viagra more than once a day. If you are older than 65 years, have a serious liver or kidney problem, or are taking protease inhibitors, such as for the treatment of HIV, you may want to start you at the lowest (25 mg) dose of Viagra.

~ How often can I take Viagra?

For most patients, Viagra should not be taken more than once a day. In patients taking certain protease inhibitors (such as for the treatment of HIV), it is recommended to not exceed a maximum single dose of VIAGRA in a 48-hour period

~ Who should not take Viagra?

Viagra is only for patients with ED. Viagra is not for newborns, children, or women, although it is being examined for women to take it in the future, but the testing is not finished, and so it is not encouraged.

If you're a man who uses nitrate drugs, like nitroglycerine, never take Viagra. The combination of Viagra and nitrates can make your blood pressure suddenly drop to unsafe levels. You could get dizzy, faint, or even have a heart attack or stroke. Nitrates are found in many prescription medications that are used to treat angina (chest pain due to heart disease) such as: Nitroglycerin (sprays, ointments, skin patches or pastes, and tablets that are swallowed or dissolved in the mouth) Isosorbide mononitrate and isosorbide dinitrate (tablets that are swallowed, chewed, or dissolved in the mouth) Nitrates are also found in recreational drugs such as amyl nitrate or nitrite ("poppers"). If you are not sure if any of your medications contain nitrates, or if you do not understand what nitrates are, ask your health care provider or pharmacist.

~ What if Viagra doesn't work?

While Viagra is effective in up to 4 of 5 men, it's not effective for everyone. If it doesn't work for you, see our Viagra Alternatives.

~ Can I take Viagra with alcohol?

Drinking alcohol can temporarily impair the ability to get an erection. To get the maximum benefit from your medication, you are advised not to drink large amounts of alcohol before taking VIAGRA.

~ Can I take Viagra after eating?

Yes, but taking Viagra after a high-fat meal (such as a cheeseburger and french fries) may cause the medication to take a little longer to start working.

~ What are the side effects of Viagra?

Like all medications, Viagra can cause some side effects. These are usually mild and don't last longer than a few hours. Some of these side effects are more likely to occur with higher doses of VIAGRA. With VIAGRA, the most common side effects are headache, facial flushing, and upset stomach. VIAGRA may also briefly cause bluish or blurred vision, or sensitivity to light. In the rare event of an erection lasting more than 4 hours, seek immediate medical help.

Faster Than Viagra?

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