Nebraska
Adult Store Owner Pleads Guilty to Obscenity Charge
Sex
Before Marriage Is
It Right Or Wrong?
Lisa
S. Lawless, Ph.D., C.E.O.
Holistic Wisdom Founder
Lisa
S. Lawless, Ph.D., CEO
Member
of American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors,
and Therapists
( AASECT )
I
chose the question in the subtitle of this article carefully
because it leads me to the main point. The fact that people
insist that it is wrong or right for everyone seems a bit arrogant
to me. According to whom? As far as I am concerned I will say
that I believe that someone's sex life should be dictated by
them and that what is right or wrong should be determined by
an individual not the majority or a minority of people.
I
am not against or for sex before marriage, but I am against
telling people that my beliefs about sex are what they must
live their life by and by that thinking, I am against others
telling me what is right for me.
Whose
Opinion Counts More?
What if I were to tell you that I was a virgin until I married
my husband... would my opinion count more?
Or
what if I told you that I was not a virgin, but because I had
such horrible experiences, guilt and shame about what I had
done and was advocating for others to walk a different path
than I had taken to save them from my own personal struggles,
would that count more?
Or
what if I told you that I was not a virgin, and in fact had
many lovers before I was married and felt it allowed me to become
a more well rounded person with more to offer my partner emotionally
as well as sexually, would my opinion count more?
Personally,
the opinion I think counts the most is your own! The most important
thing you can ever do for yourself is trust your own judgment,
listen to your heart and your own logic. Don't give your power
away, do what is right for you.
The
Argument Against Sex Before Marriage-
Some
try to say that education and STD
(Sexually Transmitted Disease) prevention is unnecessary
because abstinence before marriage is the answer. The bottom
line is that you cannot repress people's sexual natures in a
healthy way through keeping them ignorant or telling them to
numb themselves to their feelings. It is normal and healthy
to be a sexual being... the real issue here is when is it right
for us as an individual, not when is it right for everyone before
or after marriage.
What
is quite ironic is that studies have proven that cultures such
as fundamentalist Christians that promote abstinence, actually
have a higher STD rate than those who are sexually active before
marriage!
Think
about why the least educated people always seem to be the ones
that most often believe that they don't need sex education?
Could it be that they are the most gullible?
Education
is empowerment, and the choices we make based on education are
OUR CHOICES... refraining from sharing factual information is
simply an attempt to control and create fear to have power over
others.
When
Is Abstinence Good?
When
you have a need for solitude, and centering not because you've
been lied to and told that sex is inherently wrong or dirty,
but because sometimes it can distract us on what needs focus
in our lives. There are times for abstinence whether we are
married, not married, young or old. Sometimes we need to take
a break or put off sex much like we say that we need a break
or time before committing to anything really. Not because it
is bad, but because we need to replenish ourselves, make sure
it is right for us or simply to focus on something that requires
all of our attention.
Abstinence
is also good when we are not ready for something. If we are
not ready for a committed relationship, sex, children, going
to college, anything...
Does
Abstinence Before Marriage Make You A Better Person?
No,
it is just a choice you have made for yourself and does not
make you better or worse than someone who has chosen to have
sex before marriage.
Does
Abstinence Before Marriage Make Your Marriage Better?
No,
it is not contingent on whether you were abstinent before marriage.
It is contingent on what kind of partner you are to your spouse
and whether you have the fundamental components to a good marriage-
Love, Respect, Compassion, Communication, and Loyalty. What
you want to avoid before marriage is going into it with the
wrong attitudes... and what are those?
Five
Major Attitude Pitfalls Of Newlyweds-
1) My family
does it this way, so we have to. There is no compromise.
2) Marriage
will make me happy.
3) My partner
will change once we're married.
4) Talking
about issues like his rowdy friends, her credit card debt, when
to have kids,
and who should clean the toilet, will take
the bloom off romance so we should avoid such
topics.
5) We should
avoid conflict at all costs and not deal with heated issues.
Jessica
Simpson
Double
Standards-
Jessica
Simpson is well known for saving her virginity until marriage.
Why is her example made to be so amazing and talked about? Probably
because she is downright beautiful! If she were unattractive
people would most likely assume she simply did not have the
opportunity to lose it. Yet you never hear about her mutually
famous husband Nick Lachey who was not a virgin before marriage.
Double standards are often the case when discussing this issue.
What
Is The Best Choice?
There
is no best choice for all people. There is only the best choice
for you as an individual. Go with what feels right for you no
matter what you face in life. Be empowered through education
and never belittle yourself as less of a person for choosing
either path. You are always worthy of self esteem, respect from
yourself and others, because no matter your decision both options
have opportunities from which you can learn and grow.
Share
your opinions on this subject in our next newsletter if you
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When
Is A Woman Is "Used" When
A Woman Has Had Sex Is She Now "Damaged Goods?"
Lisa
S. Lawless, Ph.D., C.E.O.
Holistic Wisdom Founder
Lisa
S. Lawless, Ph.D., CEO
Member
of American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors,
and Therapists
( AASECT )
This
article has many facets of a woman's sexuality. Here is what
is covered-
Sexual
Abuse, Assault & Rape
Sexual
Promiscuity
Sex
Outside of Marriage
Attitudes
Regarding A Woman's "Purity"
When
I was an active sexual abuse counselor one of the concerns that
female victims often relayed to me was that they were worried
that they were now "used" because someone had violated
them sexually. This is a common fear for female victims and
a terrible burden to many.
It
poses the question of whether or not a woman can ever be "used,"
"damaged goods," or any other derogatory statement
to describe a woman in regard to her sexuality and character
in general.
It
also poses the question of what type of woman could be considered
"used".... could it apply to a woman who has been
sexually abused or even of a women who has had sex outside of
marriage?
Some
even go as far as saying that if a woman takes an interest in
sexual pleasure inside her marriage she is in
a sub category of being used... a type of "married whore."
So
What Is The Answer?
The
answer is NO... a woman is never "damaged goods,"
"used up," "slutty," or in any way less
of a beautiful woman worthy of respect if she has been sexually
active no matter the circumstances.
Especially
not in a case of rape, sexual abuse or assault! A woman is NOT
used she is a victim of a crime. You would not say that someone
who was a victim of a mugging was used, so why use it for a
crime of violence toward a woman whom has been sexually assaulted?
The
Seed Of The Sexual Abuse Lie Is Planted-
In
the case of the abused female child, it is the perpetuator who
has really committed shameful behavior and in many cases is
the person that plants the "seed" in their victim's
mind. This is done to aid the perpetrator in keeping their dark
secret, i.e.: "Don't tell anyone or they will think you
are a whore."
Another
way the seed is planted is through someone trying to deny that
the abuse has really happened or rationalize how it could occur.
For example, in a case where a father molests his daughter,
the mother upon learning of the abuse may enable her husband
to do it and keep the secret while telling the daughter that
she is a "whore" for having sex with her father.
Why
Would A Mother Do This?
Usually it is because the mother herself is so dysfunctional
that she begins to see her daughter as "the other woman"
and becomes competitive with her rather than seeing the truth.
The truth is that her husband is sick for doing it and is victimizing
their daughter and thus, so is she for allowing this to occur
or not standing up to protect her child.
What
makes this confusing to any child who is sexually abused is
that during the abuse the genitals are often being stimulated
which have a physical reaction of pleasure that greatly conflicts
with the psychological mind that is confused about what is happening
or is screaming that this is horrible and wants it to stop.
The
physical reaction makes the victim have a hard time accepting
that they did not want it because they question why their body
would feel pleasure? That is simple, the rich nerve endings
in the erogenous zones of the body (genitals, anus, nipples,
etc.) will often provide pleasure when stimulated regardless
of how we emotionally feel about it. The physical pleasure will
often become associated with emotional pain and fear. It
is further complicated by the fact that most abuse is perpetrated
by someone the child knows and most likely loves making it hard
to be angry at the perpetrator.
What
most victims also struggle with when they experience that sensation
again in a healthy, consensual adult relationship is that they
often have such a strong association with the abuse that they
begin to question if perhaps they really did do something "dirty"
because they may now be enjoying these sensations with their
lover.
It
is just one of many reasons why sexual abuse, assault and rape
are so horribly damaging. They take one of the strongest pleasures
a person can have through the rich nerve endings in their body
and warps it into a hellish nightmare.
SLUT,
WHORE AND MORE-
In
a world that still struggles with sexist attitudes, many people
continue to throw around name calling like "Whore,"
"Slut," "Tramp" and other such derogatory
words to describe a woman who is sexually active or has been
sexual outside of a marital relationship.
I
often wonder how it is possible to see any human being as "used"
or "damaged goods."
I think that we simply have to numb ourselves, our hearts, our
compassion, and our love that we possess for all people in order
to ever consider another person "trash." We are all
imperfect. Yet, I believe that being sexual as a woman is far
from what makes us imperfect, in fact, I think embracing it
is one of the most beautiful ways we can know who we are.
A
Woman's Anatomy-
Some
people think that once the hymen is broken (popping her cherry)
that a woman is no longer pure or is a virgin. As far as being
"pure," let me say that I have met virgins whose character
and behavior in other aspects of their life were far from "pure."
In regard to the Hymen... ridiculous... the hymen is not an
indicator of virginity.
What
Is The
Hymen? ~
It is a thin stretch of skin covering the vagina.
~ Some women
never have a hymen at all.
~ The hymen
can be stretched or torn by using tampons
or exercising. It can also
tear naturally in childhood or during
puberty.
~ Hymens
can have one hole or several.
~ A hymen
is not an indicator of virginity at all.
Women
Can Be Used, Men Can't For Physical Reasons?
To
be blunt... let's just end this double standard right here and
now. Men who think that women are "used" because their
penis does not change from having sex but a woman's vagina does
is not thinking about the fact that a woman's vagina is very
flexible and is not as changed by a penis as you may think.
We are designed to push 10 pound babies out of us, what makes
a man think that his penis could really make a terribly noticeable
difference?
Even
if that is the point you are clinging to, could we not say that
a baby is no longer pure because it ate solid food that passed
through it's throat for the first time? No? Why not? The throat
has been penetrated by food... is it not "pure" now?
Oh, it must be because food is not considered "dirty."
Well,
isn't that saying men's penises are dirty? What does that say
of men? I mean if you want to buy into this ridiculousness idea
then why not look at what is really being said!
Apparently,
you have to believe that the real problem here is men and because
I have a high opinion of men and do not think that they are
dirty, have foul genitals or can lesson the value and worth
of a vagina or a woman, I strongly disagree.
The
Psychological Anatomy Of A Woman-
Why
has a woman's virginity been and is so important to so many
people? It generally stems from a biological root and a sociological
root.
Biological
Root-
I know you've heard this before... the old scientific concept
that women have traditionally been the ones to "ground"
a family by taking on responsibilities for the children while
men have a biological need to spread their seed...
I
find these often used as excuses to pigeon hole our emotional,
mental and spiritual growth. How can we evolve if we keep believing
that this sums up our roles? "Oh, he had to cheat on me...
he's just spreading his seed," or "She is a used tissue
now that she's had sex with that guy." What kind of person
claims to be an evolved human being but compares themselves
and uses the mentality of an ape to justify their beliefs? That
is what this scientific stance takes on when we justify our
beliefs on it doesn't it?
I
am not saying that it is not important to understand some of
our basic biological roots scientifically, but to say that is
a justification for behaving badly through infidelity, name
calling, controlling someone through fear tactics and shame
based guilt... well, I truly do not believe that is what our
evolution is all about.
Sociological
Root-
I
believe that the sociological aspect of calling a woman "damaged
goods" for having sex is simple. It's to control women.
Women are often shamed into saving themselves for marriage and
encouraged to be prude during sex so that they can be more easily
controlled and dominated not just by controlling men, but insecure
women.
Women
often fear that they will be a social outcast for enjoying their
sexuality and thus deny it. Women are so fearful of the social
stigmas out there about sexuality, they forget about their own
feelings on the matter and thus ignore what the right choice
is for them and focus more on what they think the right choice
is based on what others think.
Why
Do People Say & Think These Horrible Things?
People
are inherently good, but we all suffer from weakness of the
ego from time to time. We all at some time or another struggle
with the need to soothe our insecurities by putting others down
in someway. This kind of insult is based on the following-
For
Men-
When they are threatened by women's sexuality and fear vulnerability
to a woman.
For Women-
When they are insecure about their own self worth or are being
competitive because they are threatened in some way by another
women.
Perhaps
in better understanding why we cling to these unhealthy beleif
systems we will be better prepared to break our need to live
them. Women, just as men, are deserving of respect no matter
what their sexual status.
Share
your opinions on this subject in our next newsletter if you
like by eMailing me-
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Women
In Porn Are
They Victims Of Coercion?
By Lisa S. Lawless,
Ph.D.
Holistic Wisdom C.E.O.
It seems
that many people have a variety of opinions about pornography.
Some believe that it is all right and can be a healthy sexual
way to be visually stimulated, some believe that it is for them
only if it follows certain guidelines, and some believe that
it is not all right for them, but is okay for others to view
if that is what makes them happy. Still there are those who
feel that porn is not appropriate for anyone and some even go
further and believe it to be evil, dirty and outright disgusting
no matter what type of adult entertainment it is.
So, who
is right? All of the opinions listed above are of course correct,
because they are just that... opinions. So with that point out
of the way, let's take some time to look at porn and various
sociological aspects of it.
What
Is Porn?
In order
to examine aspects of porn, we first must begin with having
a clear understanding of what we are talking about.
Pornography- A
sexual explicit, artistic depiction.
Sexually
Explicit- Showing nudity with full views of the acts, including penetration,
or descriptions of such acts. Excluding romance novels with
little if any nudity or graphic descriptions of sex acts.
Artistic- Done for entertainment, not educational purposes.
Depiction- Pictures, writing, video, and audio of explicit, artistic
sexual acts.
Pornography
provides a focus on the sexuality of people. It can present
the performers as whole individuals with a focus on the relationship
of the characters being portrayed or it can be more focused
on the physical acts of sexuality.
Bad
Porn-
Unfortunately,
there is also unhealthy porn such as incest films, true rape
and other terrible depictions. These of course are not participants
that can be considered consensual and the producers of such
films should be prosecuted. This article is not about these
types of films as the focus here is on professional, legitimate
porn producers.
Claims
That Women Are Victims Of Porn-
Women are
often made out to be the victims of pornography through a large
percentage of people. There are two ways that this occurs-
Women Porn Performers Portrayed As Victims-
1) Women
who perform in porn are thought to be coerced against their
will into it.
2) Women
only participate in porn if they are "damaged" or
have psychological problems.
Further
Examination Of The Validity Of These Claims-
1)
Women who perform in porn are thought to be coerced
against their will into it.
Research
actually shows that women are not generally coerced into porn,
they choose it of their own free will. The argument that women
are coerced against their will leads me to question why those
who are said to be doing the coercing are not being charged
for assault, rape, kidnapping and other fitting crimes.
The truth
is that women typically choose their careers in porn by their
own free will.
2)
Women only participate in porn if they are "damaged"
or
have psychological problems.
This is
truly an arrogant opinion to me and one that I think is dismissive
and judgmental. To say this means that any healthy women would
not partake in porn as it is degrading and humiliating. Thus,
all women who participate in porn must be so emotionally beaten
down that they are not responsible for their own behavior.
The truth
is that some women have different definitions of what is degrading
and humiliating and do not find porn to be as such. Some women
have found a career in the porn industry to be empowering, especially
when they take control of their careers such as Jenna Jameson.
It is also
true that there are women who are attracted to a career in porn
because they have emotional trauma regarding sexuality and are
acting out their dysfunction because it is their way of coping
with it, but certainly not in all cases.
Sexual
Abuse & Porn-
There are
many ways that women who have been sexually abused deal with
it. Here are some examples of common themes-
Women who
have been sexually abused as children often have two extreme
coping mechanisms on how they deal with what occurred to them.
1) They
see sexuality as dirty and wrong and associate their body as
being such and live an extremely prude
and abstinent type lifestyle.
2) They
see sexuality as a way to receive attention and love (although
unhealthy and dysfunctional from having
been abused) they still want to receive it as it is what they
know to be attention and love and thus
become promiscuous, or even seek out a career
in the sex industry because their self worth is centered on
their sexuality.
This does
not mean that a woman who has been sexually abused does not
understand what healthy sex or love is, it may just be how they
began to believe that they can get it. This is why counseling
is helpful to sex abuse victims as it helps them have better
awareness.
Does this
mean that a woman who has been sexually abused is damaged or
should be able to claim that she was coerced into a legal contract
in the porn industry. The answer is no.
Think about
the fact that EVERYONE is influenced by their culture. Would
you say that someone from the ghetto who shot and killed someone
was not responsible for their behavior because they were
surrounded by violence growing up?
No, you
probably wouldn't. Why? Because no matter what happens to us
in life we have a lovely little gift called FREE WILL! We are
always able to choose how we react to incidents in our lives.
We must be responsible for those choices. That does not mean
that we cannot be compassionate of why people made the choices
they do, but ultimately the person that sits in the drivers
seat of our life is ourselves when it comes to who we choose
to be.
Bella
Donna
ABC Prime Time Special With Diane Sawyer
Attempted To Portray Her As A Pathetic Porn Actress
With Nothing But Regrets.
Here
is what Bella Donna has to say about her recently aired
interview-
"I
was just interested in letting people out there know
my story. It was MY story, not anyone else's. The only
time I thought, "Oh my God, I shouldn't do this," was
after the Diane Sawyer interview. She had been asking
questions that I was not ready for. At that time I was
in a bad state of mind. It had nothing to do with being
in the porn industry, it had to do with my personal
life. When she was asking those questions, I reacted
to them by the way I was feeling at that time. After
I left New York I thought that maybe I shouldn't let
them air that because I didn't want people in the industry
to think that that's the way I felt all the time I was
in the industry. It was experiences in my personal life
that made me feel that way at that time.
My
family was supportive of me. They told ABC that it was
really sad they didn't show the whole story. Every time
I talked about the industry I totally made sure that
the way I felt had nothing to do with the porno industry,
it's the way I felt in life at that time. They didn't
show everything I said. I know it was only a one hour
special, but they chopped it up and it was no good.
I've
definitely grown up on camera. I've got to experience
a lot of things, a lot of sexual things and learn a
lot about my body. I enjoy it. I think now that I'm
a director and producer of my own product, it's such
a great opportunity to have that and accept myself.
I want to do the things that I want to do now. I make
the decisions instead of someone else telling me what
to do. I also want the girls who work for me to do the
things they really want to do, not just because they
think they have to do it for the money.
Even
on that interview I was saying, "I don't want you guys
to make me look like I'm a victim because I'm not! This
is my choice, something I chose to do."
A
well know advocate of porn, Wendy McElroy once said
"Pornography
is nothing more or less than freedom of speech applied to the
sexual realm."
Share
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Lisa
S. Lawless, Ph.D., C.E.O.
After
learning of the Joanne
Web case we decided to start a charity department that will
provide adult businesses and individuals like Joanne that need
funds to pay for all of the legal costs that come with such
ridiculous and unconstitutional legal battles.
ALL
proceeds will go to legal assistance to aid individuals that
need it and who are involved in the adult businesses that meet
our standards.
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