The Holistic Wisdom Journal  

June 15, 2003 ~ Articles In This Issue...

~ Sex Advice: Ask Lisa Through An eMail Consult
   What You Want To Know

~ A Realistic Understanding Of Premature Ejaculation

~ New- The Holistic Wisdom Reader's Forum

Do You Need Advice? Ask Lisa!

I have assisted hundreds of people who have eMailed me with questions about their sexual health as well as relationship advice. Often, I have found that many people are more comfortable writing down their questions and getting answers by eMail or Mail so they can keep their anonymity while still addressing what they want to know.

How Does This Work?

Simple! Just order an eMail consultation with your question(s) and you will get a reply from Lisa within 48 hours. It's that easy!

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A Realistic Understanding
Of Premature Ejaculation

Robert W. Birch, Ph.D.
Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator

The Problem-

Many men are concerned with their rapid ejaculation. The greatest concern is expressed among younger men, but many of these settle down as they age. Most men have had the experience of losing control in a passionate encounter with a new and exciting woman, but familiarity typically will take care of this. However, there are men of all ages who ejaculate rapidly every time, even as they and their relationship ages.

The Definition-

So, what is premature ejaculation? The term implies that it happens early, before it is due, and most men have taken this to mean that their orgasm occurs before they have had time to enjoy intercourse, before the woman has had time to enjoy intercourse, or before the partner has been able to reach her orgasm during intercourse. Let's start with the last... female orgasms during intercourse. The reality is that the majority of women do not and can not reach orgasm during intercourse, no matter how long the man can endure. There just is not enough clitoral stimulation in the majority of intercourse positions. The problems and solutions regarding intercourse for women are addressed in ORAL CARESS, MALE SEXUAL ENDURANCE, and PATHWAYS TO PLEASURE.

We don't want anyone to miss the point! Intercourse is not necessarily the most effective way to bring a woman to orgasm! This is perhaps why men seem more concerned with the problem than do many of their partners. Many women enjoy the manual and oral play, but know they are not going to orgasm with penile-vaginal stimulation. Even when women attempt to reassure their partners, telling that it does not matter, many of men will continue to obsess about their lack of control.

The label I prefer the term rapid ejaculation over premature ejaculation, for I believe it better defines the behavior and carries less stigma. Some men are fast... they ejaculate rapidly. But how fast is fast? The average young healthy male with ejaculate in about 3 to 4 minutes with nonstop trusting, and some say that average is even faster... 2 to 3 minutes. So, let's say that a young man who ejaculates after three minutes of steady thrusting is within the average range. I have seen men who could last 5 minutes, but believed they were premature ejaculators because they thought they should be able to last as long as they like and ejaculate at will. Are there men who naturally last 15 minutes or more? Of course there are, but there are also men who cannot ejaculate at all. Like I have said, it's on a continuum, from one extreme where men who ejaculate prior to penetration to those who do not get there at all.

What's The Cure?

That answer is easy. There is none, because rapid ejaculation is not an illness! One highly respected sex therapist claims a "cure" can be achieved in fourteen weeks, while another says eight to twelve. The problem with the concept of "cure" is the implication that once fixed, you can forget all about the illness. A follow-up study, however, demonstrates the error in this thinking, for this research found that three years after being "cured," the majority of the men were ejaculating just as rapidly as they were before entering therapy. What happens when men expect a cure and professionals offer it is that once improvement is gained, everyone quits working on the ejaculatory control and nothing has really been changed!

What Is The Answer?

That is like asking, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall." The answer, "Practice, practice, practice." I believe men can learn effective strategies for the management of their ejaculatory response. It is possible to learn what is needed to do to stay in control, but once learned, a man can never stop managing his response. I believe it is a long process, but can be a joyful one.

Quite honestly, men who are not in loving relationships with understand and cooperative women are at a disadvantage. What needs to be learned and practiced is done best within the context of a healthy and playful relationship. However, it will help a single male if he understands the process needed for control and there are ways the can begin practicing on his own.

Look For The Easy Answers-

I think we all wish there were easy answers for life's toughest problems. Unfortunately, sex therapists have promised a quick behavioral cure, hypnotists have claimed success through post-hypnotic suggestion, and doctors have prescribed pills that are hyped as the "magic bullet". The reality is, some men do well with sex therapy, others really do not learn what they should have learned. Hypnosis might certainly help a man relax, which is important in learning control, but there is more to mastering the reflex than just relaxation. Some men respond to the medications being prescribe, but the effect wears off for some, others experience no change, and some temporarily lose their ability to ejaculate at all. Some men have even reported that the medication interferes with their ability to obtain an erection.

Unfortunately, the men who have been ejaculating within seconds for the past thirty years are probably reaching orgasm too quickly to have time to begin practicing what needs to be practiced. For these men, the medication might be one of the first things to tried. The good news is that any negative side effects only last as long as the man is taking the drug. The bad new is that any positive side effects also only last as long as the man is taking the drug! Unless a man is willing to take a medication for as long as he wishes to sexual, he should not look at the drug as a "cure." For some it will allow a man time to relax, worry less, and work on the things he must work on to learn effective control.

Where To Look For Help-

AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists) allows you to request the names of qualified sex therapists practicing in your geographic area.

If you are uncertain about what sex therapy is, see my article which offers an Introduction to Sex Therapy.

Resources~

Many men will want to try on their own before investing time and money in seeing a therapist.

Go to the Amazon.com web site and search for the book by Dr. Helen Kaplan titled How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation.

Or check out my book on the subject below-

With these resources, patience and practice, ejaculatory control should be within your grasp.

Questions~

I have been amazed at the number of men who have eMailed me asking how to solve their problem with ejaculatory control. Unfortunately, the causes are unknown, the concerns are complex, and the process of learning effective management is long and involved.

There are no easy answers that can be given via eMail... that's why I wrote a book! I will be more than willing to respond to questions after a man has read as much as he can and has practiced for at least three months. Before a man understands the process and has spent time with it, any advice (like his ejaculation) would be grossly premature!

Any information or suggestions offered over the Internet can be accepted or rejected. Remember, the giving of free factual information and practical advice is not the equivalent of therapy and is not a substitute for face-to-face counseling with a qualified professional if needed.

eMail Us At-

The following article was written in response to Lisa Lawless' articles-

Penis Size- How Important Is It?    &    The Truth On Penis Size

Poles, Holes, And
The Ineffectiveness Of Intercourse

Robert W. Birch, Ph.D.
Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator

The Penis Size Issue Revisited

Currently there is a lot of emphasis and a lot of junk mail on the topic of penis size. "Add 3 inches," the eMails guarantee. This, it is claimed, can be accomplished by taking a pill, using a pump, or doing an exercise. However, there is not one shred of scientific or clinical evidence that any of these things really work! A man can no more change the size of his schlong than he can the size of his height. The emphasis on penis size does accomplish a number of things, however: It makes a lot of men feel inferior. It gives a lot of false hope. It costs some men a lot of money, and it makes money for the makers of those magical pills.

Bigger better, fatter best? Is all a matter of preference and fit. Vaginas, like penises and ears and every other body part, come in a variety of shapes and sizes. The average non-aroused vagina is only about three and a half inches deep. Remember, a gynecologist can touch a cervix with his or her finger. There is about a half inch (called the cul de sac) beyond the cervix. As a woman becomes aroused, her vagina lubricates, opens up, and extends, but when aroused it lengthens no more than an additional half inch. The vagina, however, stretches, but every woman has a threshold beyond which there is pain. The average erection is about 6 inches long. Bigger is not always better. It is all a matter of fit, and the misfits come when a vagina or penis is small or a vagina or penis is big and the corresponding part of the partner is at the opposite end of the continuum.

Some women love big penises and some women avoid them like the plague, but there is a good fit for just about everyone. All too often, however, it is not after a one night stand that one decides he or she does not want to repeat the encounter. It often happens that a couple does not discover their mismatch until they have become emotionally involved.

Some women think they are not reaching orgasm during intercourse because of the size of their partner's erection, and some men believe they are not ejaculating because of the size of their partner's vagina. Statistically, however, the majority of women never reach orgasm during intercourse and the majority of men could bang their cocks on a tree and still come! Intercourse works very well for most men, but it is far less effective for most women. Most women know what works and does not work for them, and a woman who is orgasmic during intercourse is likely to think that all women should get off that way. Women with a big partner might think all women would do better with a big partner. Even if that were true, there would not be enough big men to go around and the man with smaller penises cannot change them!

Without worrying about penis size, there are ways to increase the likelihood of a woman reaching orgasm during penile/vaginal thrusting. Most women have greater sensitivity in their clitoris than they do in their G Spot and certainly more than in their cervix (if they still have one). Intercourse is typically not bringing 65% of women to orgasm because in most positions there is not enough clitoral stimulation. The missionary position, with the man down low between the women's legs, gives him a straight shot into the vaginal opening... but the woman's clitoris is above that heavenly portal.

The suggestions for increasing a woman's potential for orgasms during of intercourse are too lengthy to put in this newsletter. However, these can be found in the book
Pathways to Pleasure: A Woman's Guide to Orgasm.

Also, for detailed and illustrated instructions on female climax during intercourse and on simultaneous orgasms CLICK HERE.

Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator (Retired Marital & Sex Therapist) Questions, Comments or different perspective, write to Dr. Birch at eMail Dr. Robert Birch~

Thank You For Reading The Articles Contained In
The Holistic Wisdom Journal