Guaranteed
Ways To Destroy
A Relationship
27
Things Not To Do & 23 Things To Avoid During An Argument
Reality
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D.,
Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator
Relationships
are often hard to maintain, even when two people exchange promises
of undying love. A frequent problem in a relationship occurs
when one or both partners continue to make the same errors,
but fail to understand why the relationship is in trouble. It
is as though each individual is stubbornly determined to continue
to do things his and her own way, even at the risk of damaging
a good relationship.
In my clinical practice, I have discovered at least 27 common
errors in thinking and communicating that people make. If repeated,
these errors have the potential for destroying a relationship.
Which of the following errors are you making?
1.
Rigidly maintain that you are always right, even when you do
not have all the facts!
2.
Never apologize, even when you are proven wrong beyond a shadow
of a doubt!
3.
Be relentless in rubbing it in when you are proven right!
4.
Dogmatically maintain that you know your partner's motives better
than he or
she does!
5.
Assume that your partner should understand your needs and should
respond
immediately without being asked!
6. Totally ignore your partner's priorities and insist
on your own!
7.
Operate on the assumption that your partner's sexual need cycle
is identical to yours!
8.
Add deep psychological meaning to your partner's sexual disinterest,
and take it
very personally! Then beg.
9.
Do not ever admit hurt, but go immediately to the expression
of anger!
10.
Identify your partner's character flaws and family secrets and
use them to make a
point when logic fails!
11.
Use guilt to manipulate, to get your own way or to punish!
12.
Become proficient at catching your partner being bad, but do
not ever comment if
you catch him or her being good!
13.
Cut no slack, yield no ground and push your argument until your
partner walks out
the door... then follow the coward!
14.
Do not let go of the past. Rehash your version of it as often
as possible!
15.
If you tend to be a clinger, cling very tightly and smother
your partner, claiming
that you will surly die if you
are ignored!
16.
If you are not a clinger, then stay emotionally/physically distant,
and show no
signs that you really care for your
partner!
17.
Make promises, but never keep them!
18.
Be factious so you partner never knows when you are being serious!
19.
Always make excuses for your bad habits!
20. Insist that what you have to say is always more important
that what your partner
is saying, so interrupt!
21.
Pretend that you understand what you partner has said, even
if you have no idea
of the point that was being made!
22.
Maintain that having sex will smooth over an unresolved argument.
23.
Be loud and stubborn. Assume that volume and persistence makes
you right.
24.
Assume that you can say really nasty things, and then take them
back later.
25.
If your partner did not hear or understand what you have said,
accuse him or her of
not paying attention or not caring.
26.
Be a mind-reader. Insist that you know your partner's true thoughts,
regardless of
what he or she says.
27.
Act as though you do none of the above and it is your partner
who must make all
the changes!
ALSO
NOTE THE 23 RULES FOR EFFECTIVE FIGHTING
1.
Together, identify the central issue and stay on it. Deal with
just one thing at a time.
2.
Don't argue over little details. Do not be distracted by minor
points.
3.
Do not accuse your partner with "you" statements. Make "I" statements.
4.
Don't assign blame. Blame stirs a defensive attitude, so negotiate
as equals.
5.
Don't every attempt to shame. Guilt trips eventually stir anger
and backfire.
6.
Never ever attack your partner's character or personality.
7.
Don't keep score. No one is "always wrong."
8.
Don't lecture.
9. Listen carefully to your partner's perspective, and do not
interrupt.
10. Don't pass judgment on your partner's perceptions or feelings.
11. Don't clam up when the going gets tough, and don't walk
away.
12.
Don't take seriously everything said in anger, but listen for
what is important.
13.
Be very careful with your expression of anger, as great damage
can be done.
14.
Direct any anger toward what it is that you are really angry
about.
15.
Attempt to identify your hurt and talk of it before allowing
your pain to turn to anger.
16.
Do not yell!
17.
No name calling!
18.
Behind every question there is often a statement. Do not ask
the question,
make the statement.
19.
If you must ask, do not ask a question you already know the
answer to. No one
likes being tested.
20.
Maintain respect and unconditional positive regard.
21.
Do not save up issues and then, long after the fact, bring them
up in an argument.
22.
Work for mutual understanding, compromise and forgiveness.
23.
Devote more time to reaffirming your caring than to trying to
settle your differences.
Review
Books Available For Purchase By Robert Birch, Ph.D.
The
Holistic Wisdom Corporation