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Home » Sexual Resources » Sex Articles » Sex & Society

Sex Before Marriage
Right Or Wrong?

I chose the question in the subtitle of this article carefully because it leads me to the main point. The fact that people insist that it is wrong or right for everyone seems a bit arrogant to me. According to whom? As far as I am concerned I will say that I believe that someone's sex life should be dictated by them and that what is right or wrong should be determined by an individual not the majority or a minority of people.

I am not against or for sex before marriage, but I am against telling people that my beliefs about sex are what they must live their life by and by that thinking, I am against others telling me what is right for me.

Lisa Lawless
By Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D.
Psychotherapist & Sexuality Expert

CEO & Founder of
Holistic Wisdom, Inc. & NAASAS

Copyright: Holistic Wisdom- Do NOT Copy Warning

Copyright © Holistic Wisdom, Inc.

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Whose Opinion Counts More?

What if I were to tell you that I was a virgin until I married my husband... would my opinion count more?

Or what if I told you that I was not a virgin, but because I had such horrible experiences, guilt and shame about what I had done and was advocating for others to walk a different path than I had taken to save them from my own personal struggles, would that count more?

Or what if I told you that I was not a virgin, and in fact had many lovers before I was married and felt it allowed me to become a more well rounded person with more to offer my partner emotionally as well as sexually, would my opinion count more?

Personally, the opinion I think counts the most is your own! The most important thing you can ever do for yourself is trust your own judgment, listen to your heart and your own logic. Don't give your power away and do what is right for you.

The Argument Against Sex Before Marriage-

Some try to say that education and STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease) prevention is unnecessary because abstinence before marriage is the answer. The bottom line is that education is always a good idea and does nothing to harm your decision making process on this matter. You cannot repress people's sexual natures in a healthy way through keeping them ignorant or telling them to numb themselves to their feelings.

What is quite ironic is that studies have proven that cultures such as fundamentalist Christians that promote abstinence, actually have a higher STD and pregnancy rate than those who are sexually active before marriage. Therefore, this denial of education is not working.

Think about why the least educated people always seem to be the ones that most often believe that they don't need sex education? Could it be that they are the most gullible?

Education is empowerment, and the choices we make based on education are OUR CHOICES... refraining from sharing factual information is simply an attempt to control and create fear and to have power over others.


When Is Abstinence Good?

Abstinence can be very good when you have a need for solitude, and centering; not because you've been lied to and told that sex is inherently wrong or dirty, but because sometimes it can distract us on what needs focus in our lives. There are times for abstinence whether we are married, not married, young or old. Sometimes we need to take a break or put off sex, much like we say that we need a break or time before committing to anything really. Not because it is bad, but because we need to replenish ourselves, make sure it is right for us or simply to focus on something that requires all of our attention. Abstinence can also good when we are not ready for something. If we are not ready for a committed relationship, sex, children, going to college, etc.


Does Abstinence Before Marriage Make You A Better Person?

No, it is just a choice you have made for yourself and does not make you better or worse than someone who has chosen to have sex before marriage. It is not contingent on whether you were abstinent before marriage. It is contingent on what kind of partner you are to your spouse and whether you have the fundamental components to a good marriage- love, respect, compassion, communication, and loyalty. What you want to avoid before marriage is going into it with the wrong attitudes... and what are those?

Five Major Attitude Pitfalls of Newlyweds-

  • My family does it this way, so we have to. There is no compromise.

  • Marriage will make me happy.

  • My partner will change once we're married.

  • Talking about issues like his rowdy friends, her credit card debt, when to have kids, and who should clean the toilet, will take the magic out of romance, so we should avoid such topics.

  • We should avoid conflict at all costs and not deal with heated issues.


Double Standards-

Jessica Simpson is well known for saving her virginity until marriage. Why was her example made to be so amazing and talked about? Probably because she is downright beautiful! If she were unattractive, people would most likely assume she simply did not have the opportunity to lose it. Yet you never hear about her mutually famous husband Nick Lachey who was not a virgin before marriage. Double standards are often the case when discussing this issue; not to mention they are now divorced.


What is the Best Choice?

There is no best choice for all people. There is only the best choice for you as an individual. Go with what feels right for you no matter what you face in life. Be empowered through education and never belittle yourself as less of a person for choosing either path. You are always worthy of self esteem, respect from yourself and others. Because no matter your decision, both options have opportunities from which you can learn and grow.


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