Ask Lisa      Relationship & Sex Advice   With hundreds of eMails coming in every day and while I answer many, it is not possible for me to reply to all of them. However, I wanted to provide a section where we take some of our readers questions and post them on our web site so that we can provide answers that everyone can benefit from having the information available on our web site.

Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D., C.E.O. HolisticWisdom.com Founder

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Lisa,

My husband is obsessed with sex. He seems to want it everyday, all day. We love each other and have a good relationship and I consider myself sexually active and healthy, but I just don't want sex as frequently. I'm always feeling pressured. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he just doesn't seem to get it.

Leslie

 

Hi Leslie,

Two partners having very difference sex drives can certainly be tricky. There's absolutely nothing wrong with your husband wanting sex all the time or with you not wanting it as much as he does. But he's probably feeling frustrated and you're feeling pressured so it is not currently working.

There are multiple ways to handle this, and here are a few suggestions.

Compromise between you and your husband. Each of you, on a piece of paper, can list how many days per week you ideally would like to have sex. Then you share your answers and find a number in-between that you agree upon.

Now that you and he know what to expect, he is most likely going to be less desperate for it and you aren't going to be pressured for sex may make you more relaxed and less defensive.

You may also want to get a bit more specific about what your husband needs. Is he asking for intercourse, oral sex or masturbation? Discussing this will allow you to better understand and agree upon what he is desiring. Also, don't forget to talk about what YOU want in the bedroom so that you both feel that your needs are being met sexually.

For the times without you...

Also, you might want to try making sex tapes or taking sexy pictures and encourage him to masturbate while viewing them (using his hand or a sex toy like the Fleshlight) if he feels like he needs more sexual release than the agreement affords him. He may want to watch Better Sex Videos to improve his sexual techniques while he is enjoying feeling sexual in watching them.

The Possible Emotional Aspects-

Often men associate sex with attention, and may be focus on the acts of sex as what they need instead of evaluating whether or not their emotional needs are being met. Consider whether the issue here is really sex as partners are often the most desperate for sex when they feel insecure in other areas of the relationship.

Your husband may be worrying that you don't want him sexually or emotionally and you may be feeling that he doesn't care about you emotionally. Take time to talk through how you feel about your lives and each other on all levels, not just sexually and you may find that not only is your relationship better, but so is the sex!