10 of 10
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old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when
all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open
her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have
male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult,
four-hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears
to give him a partial sponge bath.
he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed,
the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet. He struggles to ask again, "Nurse,
are my testicles black?"
that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
A r e - m y - t e s t s - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them
asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has
an excellent sex life and is still very active. The other man
confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with
old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying
sexually vital. "Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday.
That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will
other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby.
He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the
loaves of rye bread that they have in stock. The clerk then asks
the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice
them?" The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the
difference?" The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets
harder faster." To which the man responded, "How come everyone
knew about this but me?"
this week's joke, we decided to link to a very funny video
that we think you will enjoy.
video is not anti-religion, it is simply for the separation
of church and state in the U.S. which is what this country
was based on. We hope you will appreciate the message as
view the video, use the link below and select "Watch
Video" it will take a moment to load and there is a
preview before it... but is worth the wait.
Schwartz's Web Site
Your Jesus Off My Penis Video
nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven...
which part of your body goes first?"
raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied,
"Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
of you and God just takes your hands first." "What a
wonderful answer," the nun said.
Johnny raised his hand and said, "I think it is your legs."
"Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" Little
Johnny said, "Well, I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom
the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and
she was saying, Oh God, I'm coming. If dad hadn't pinned her down,
we'd have lost her." The nun fainted.
1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a penis was
bigger than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00, they
concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was
to give the man more pleasure during sex.
the U.S. published the study, Sweden decided to do their own.
After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that
the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After
2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
little girl asks her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block? Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's
that mean?" asks the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's
in the garage."
little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Lula
Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the
dog was in heat and to come to you." The Dad says, "Bring Lula
Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked with gasoline, and scrubbed
the dog's backside to disguise the scent, and said, "Okay, you
can go now, but keep LulaBelle on the leash and only go once around
little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog
on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Lulabelle? The little
girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home."
Penis Requests A Raise
the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
do physical labor.
work at great depths.
plunge head first into everything I do.
do not get weekends or holidays off.
work in a damp environment.
work in a dark place that has poor ventilation.
work in high temperatures.
work exposes me to contagious diseases.
assessing your request and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
do not work eight hours straight, in fact most of the time,
less than an hour a day.
do not always follow the orders of the management team.
do not stay in your designated area and are seen visiting
need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
don't always observe safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
are unable to work double shifts.
sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering
and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking
man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was
the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there
was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last
year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,
"See ... He mated 50 times last year?... that's almost once a
walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband
a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could
learn a lot from him."
walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR." The
wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,
said, "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from
husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was
with the same cow."
The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable,
and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more surgeries
he will likely be okay.
Latex Gloves Are Made
dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking
very nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put
on his gloves.
you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't,"
she replied. "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China
with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up
to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the
gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't
crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental
procedure, she burst out laughing! "What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just picturing how condoms are made!"
A heterosexual man walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes
it's a gay bar. "Why not," he says to himself, "I really want
a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the man,
"What's the name of your willy?"
man says, "Look, I'm not gay. All I want is a drink. "The gay
waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me
the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for
the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar
calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'
man looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting
to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name
man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty man
asks, "Why Timex?" the fella proudly replies,"Cause it takes a
lickin' and keeps on tickin!'" Amused, the man turns to the two
fella's on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita
and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality
is Job One." "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The
guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!"
And gives a wink!
more thirsty, the man has to think for a moment before he comes
up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender
and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the man a beer, but with a puzzled
look asks, "Why Secret?" The man says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH
FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
Note- Holistic Wisdom, Inc. does not intend this joke to be
offensive to gays or lesbians as we are embrace all people regardless
of sexual orientation. We believe the world is a better place
because we are diverse and bring our own unique energy to the
universe to create an eclectic, beautiful whole.
man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument
about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy
sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting
laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think
about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it
and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your
ear or your finger?"
acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion
she answered. Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband
was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's
your breakfast this morning?" My patient replied "It's very
good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used
to the taste." I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced
a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he
had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle
aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his
work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She
replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish
I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener."
the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully
replied the patient.
man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted
the lady's --Dress, and began to try to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in
the wrong one.
Affair With The Bug Man
woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
said the woman to her lover, " into the closet," and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.
husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
are you?" he asked him.
an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the
where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards ..."
Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how
wonderful their children were.
first mother told her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone calls him Father."
second Catholic woman chirped, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever
he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."
third Catholic woman said smugly. "Well, not to put you down,
but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people
say, "Your Eminence."
fourth Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence. The first
three women gave her a subtle "Well....?" She replied, "My son
is a handsome, 6' 5" hard-bodied Chippendale stripper. Whenever
he walks into a room, everyone says, "My God."
man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
are you doing here today?"
I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give
me $5 for it."
that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself.
But they pay me $25."
woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some
more before going their separate ways. A couple months later,
the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
[shaking her head with mouth closed] "Uuh unh."
guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants
to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way
so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him
if he drove her. The guy says OK and the girl takes off all
her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he
stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and
the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she
couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies,
“Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!”
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She
finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can
you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too
queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals,
and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a
male patient was masturbating.
my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning
doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship,
this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly
fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they
would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
I am sorry" said the Queen.
the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving
a patient a blow job.
my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
is the traditional main course on Thanksgiving, but do you realize
when the Pilgrims first landed if they had shot a wildcat instead
of a turkey, we would all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving!
Reasons Thanksgiving Dinner is Better than Sex
You're sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.
9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.
8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.
7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.
6. Two kinds of desert, with or without whipped cream.
5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.
4. Thanksgiving dinner is a "sure" thing.
3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!
2. You're expected to fall asleep after dinner.
1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner.
man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting
very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood. His wife
answered, "Not tonight dear I have a headache."
man replied, "Is that your final answer"?
said, "Yes." ...He said. "Ok, then, I'd like to phone a friend."
was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring
it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day
and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
What was the problem?
Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing.
So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with
her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing.
Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still
Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid
off of the specimen cup.
older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The first
lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later
it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end,
and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from
the rain. The second lady looks at that and says, "That's such
a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?" "It's a condom,"
The first lady replies. "Well, where can you buy those?" the
second lady asks. "Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies."
The first lady replies. So the second lady goes to a pharmacy
and walks up to the counter. "Do you guys sell those condom
things?" she asks the pharmacist. "Why yes we do," the pharmacist
says a little confused, "Do you know what size you need?" So
the lady says, "Well it's got to fit a Camel."
On The Net
little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers:
son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your
Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I
set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to
a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and
since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months
later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got
who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it
with any girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing old
baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
They're outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair
of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized
potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all
the babes ya want!" The following weekend, Patrick hit the beach
with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering
their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick. So he went
back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"
man is looking for a Christmas gift for his wife, and after
walking through the mall for hours he gives up and goes to the
bar. He sees a friend of his sitting at the bar. He goes over
to him and says, " I will buy you a drink if you can give me
some ideas about what to buy my wife for Christmas." His friend
replies, "I got my wife a pair of slippers and a vibrator."
He looks at his friend all confused and asks why. His friend
explains that if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck
women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing
the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped
his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded
to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and
immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm
a physiotherapist therapist and I know I could relieve your
pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all
right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was
in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however,
he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away
and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands
inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It
feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell"
Father Of My Kid
noticed that there was a blonde in line at another check-out.
Our eyes met, she raised her hand to wave, and smiled. I was
rather taken aback, although she looked familiar. I just couldn't
place where I might know her from. As luck would have it, I
saw her a few minutes later in the parking lot as she was unloading
her groceries, so I approached and said "Sorry, do you know
me?" She replies,"I may be mistaken, but I think you might be
the father of one of my kids." I panicked, but my mind shot
back to my one and only sexual indiscretion. "Holy crap," I
yelled, too loudly, "Are you that stripper from my friend John's
bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of
all my friends, while your girlfriend stuck a cucumber up her
ass?" "No! I'm your child's English teacher."
Guide For Dummies
Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.
There is no need for dice in role playing.
Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.
If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.
If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial
You can lie down during a one-night stand.
7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's
not referring to a commercial break.
8. EASY... a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual
of a man.
Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.
Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes.
With His Best Friend!
man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender
pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's
quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife
in bed with my best friend."
says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"
walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack
her stuff, and get the hell out."
makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best
looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!!!!"
In The Act
husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks
at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says,
"Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room
for a little while." Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious,
goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar.
He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little
brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you
look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman
who punished us just for sucking our thumbs."
For A Cruise
guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise
for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all
the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that
he would see what he could do.
couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could
now get them onto a three day cruise. The guy agreed and went
to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine's and three condoms.
day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a
five day cruise. The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned
to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine's and two more
following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he
could now book an eight day cruise. The guy agreed, and went
back to the drugstore.
asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. The pharmacist
looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you
sick, why do you keep doing it?"
Wars Sexy Quotes
'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'
at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'
that thing away before you get us all killed.'
got something jammed in here real good.' '
you a little short for a stormtrooper?'
'Look at the size of that thing!'
thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'
matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'
an awful lot of moisture in here.'
'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'
control! You must learn control!'
'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'
look forward to completing your training. In time you will call
never knew I had it in me.'
is good in him, I've felt it.'
Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'
door, huh? Good idea!'
out! You're not doing any good back there!'
new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs
over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
"Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of Pepper Tequila.
SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth... you have
to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman upstairs
who's never had an orgasm. You gotta give her one.
Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You
have to be nuts to do all that.
time goes on, the man drinks a few too many and finally concedes...
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of Pepper Tequila
with both hands, downs it with a big slurp as tears stream down
his face. Next he staggers out back to the alligator and soon
all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and
thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar,
his shirt ripped with big scratches all over his body.
he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Know You Are Getting Old When...
90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told
the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!" And so they
they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself,
"My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much
more gentle with her!" And the woman was thinking to herself,
"My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up,
I would have taken off my panty hose!"
What You Say
was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by
the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on
his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented
him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house
handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the third house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently
led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom
where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs,
where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham,
sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking
out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too
wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him
a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first
available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and
she is shot in the stomach twice. She was rushed to the hospital
where she was treated and told that she is pregnant with twins
and while her children are fine, the bullets were lodged in
each of the babies stomachs. The doctor said- "Don't worry,
the bullet will pass through their system through normal metabolism."
time goes on the woman has her twins, a girl and a boy who are
healthy and grow up unaware of the bullets. Twelve years later,
the girl comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a
very weird thing!" The mother says, "Let me guess. You passed
a bullet into the toilet, right?" The daughter looks up from
her teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did you know?" The mother
comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.
A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a
very bad thing!" "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
"No, I was masturbating and I accidentally shot the dog."
To Tell A Man His Zipper Is Down
"The cucumber has left the salad."
2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging
3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now."
4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his
5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!"
6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod."
7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary."
8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons."
9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?"
10. "Men are From Mars, Women can see Your Penis."
Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and
Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing
to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking
over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough
money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one
off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having
trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would
watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the
one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them
a while Sarah gets a terrible headache and goes to take an aspirin.
She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water
cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows
her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says,
"Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"
was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to
a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the
host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with
no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to
be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man.
"I just came in my pants!"
Aren't You Married?
those of you that are single and are tired of being asked this
question, here are some comical relief comebacks...
haven't asked yet.
was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
I just love hearing this question.
lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
waiting until I get to be your age.
It didn't seem worth a blood test.
I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil
by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her
face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up
and his pale lips began to move slightly. “Becky my darling,”
he whispered. “Hush my love,” she said. “Rest, don’t talk.”
He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice, “I have
something that I must confess.”
nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky, everything’s
all right, go to sleep.” “No, no I must die in peace, Becky
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend
and your mother!”
know, my sweet one” whispered Becky, “let the poison work.”
teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed
and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and
he was quite itchy.
teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was
to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class.
there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went
back to investigate only to find the little boy sitting at his
desk with his penis hanging out.
thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed. "I did,"
he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out 'til
noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Wears The Pants
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite
on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the
husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride
and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist
was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she
said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever
forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family."
that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He
tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as
his kneecaps. "Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to
be until you change your ridiculous attitude Mr.!"
construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a
handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and
yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear.
So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points
to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need",
then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw".
man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins
to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs
down to the first floor yelling, "What the heck is wrong with
you! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed
a handsaw!" The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, "I
knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming."
Ten Slogans Being Considered by Viagra
"Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "One-a-day, like iron"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Here's the beef!"
the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. Just do her.
"We work harder, so you don't have to"
"Ten inches long... and growing."
"Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight"
"Viagra, home of the whopper"
"Viagra, Now is a great time to be silver"
"This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"
Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling
at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
Do Most People Do On A Date?
are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough. - Lynnette, age 8
the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin,
Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns. - Craig, age 9
Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
they're rich. - Pam, age 7
law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that. - Curt, age 7
rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard,
Is It Better To Be Single or Married?
better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9
Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?
sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin,
man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into
a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your
elbow, I'm in room 436."
mother and her young son are flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
City to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window,
turns to his mother and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother couldn't think of an answer, so tells her son to ask
the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess the same question.
" The stewardess responds, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your
mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always
pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."
woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The pharmacist
gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way." The
woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a bloody
That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:
I need to whip it out by 5.
Just stick it in my box.
If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!
HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
It's an entry-level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?
was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One
day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party
in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside
and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly,
Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked,
"Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let
her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that
the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was
just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I
think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back
of the line.
policeman was going down the line asking for information from
all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered
and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you
do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my
dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry." The policeman
Becomes A Mechanic
gynecologist decides that he'd had it with gynecology. He wanted
to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic.
So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered
to go take the state licensing test. The results of the test arrived
a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope
to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score
of 200 points out of the 100 points possible. "200 points out
of 100 points possible?" he asks himself. "How can that be?"
he calls the licensing board and they tell him: "You see sir,
you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly,
50 points for putting the engine back perfectly, and 100 EXTRA
points for doing it all through the muffler."
One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every
time we make love I get splinters." So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto
to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all
you need." A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says,
"So how are you doing with the girls now?" Pinnochio says, "Who
young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist
says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12 and asks which
the young man wants. "Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl
for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I
think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents,
and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all
the time, so you'd better give me the 12-pack." The young man
makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down
to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might
give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues
praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You
never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans
over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a
Chicken & The Egg
chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking
a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is
frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I
guess that answers that riddle."
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel
tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant
leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sergeant replied
"Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural
sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain
said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could
not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The "Sarge" shrugged his shoulders and led the camel
into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded
to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the
Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied,
"Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again you love them.
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing with you.
What You Eat
man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight. The woman says, "Me too, you've
been eating grass for the past ten minutes.
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