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Sex
Jokes
Fun &
Sexy
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The
Night Out
Sex
Joke
Two
nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have
a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs,
and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent. To
enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed
wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies.
As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the
second and says, "I feel like a marine." The second replies, "Yeah,
me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"
Why
Sex Toys Are Great
Sex
Joke
Vibrators
never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries when
it tires.
Position is your choice.
It works "while" the sports games are on.
It always is erect..
It doesn't leave a mess behind.
You don't have to wear uncomfortable lingerie to excite it.
It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.
You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.
You don't have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested
in it the next morning.
You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you
want to!
They don't get tired after the first time.
They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are
in the mood.
They never drink too much and embarrass you.
You don't have to reassure the vibrator it's the best you ever
had!
Vibrators don't prematurely ejaculate.
Safe sex without a rubber.
Vibrators don't ask who your Daddy is.
They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
It has no problem finding the "g spot."
You know exactly where its been.
Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
Doggie
Tricks
Sex
Joke
Two
buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
"Do
you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well,
not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog
aspect of it."
"Oh,
I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well,
not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
Nudity
Sex
Joke
I
was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't
wearing a seat belt!
Lost
Boy
Sex
Joke
A
little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little
boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't
you ever seen a little boy before?"
Sperm
Sample
Sex
Joke
There
was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor
told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back
the next day.
The
elderly man came back the next day with the specimen cup empty
and the lid still on it.
Doctor:
What was the problem?
Elderly
man: Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. So, I tried
with my left hand... nothing. My wife tried with her right and
left hand and even her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend
tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing.
Doctor:
Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
Elderly
man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen
cup.
Holy
Vacation!
Sex
Joke
Two
priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined
to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that
would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they
headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and
sandals.
The
next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine
and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string
bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help
but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good
Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing
each of them individually; then she passed on by.
They
were both stunned. How in the world did she know they we're priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before
you saw them.
Once
again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their
chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous
blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini, taking her
sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again
she nodded at each of them, she said, "Good morning, Father. Good
morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the Priests
couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady."
"Yes, Father?", she said. "We are priests and proud of it, but
I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests,
dressed as we are?" "Father, it's me, Sister Margaret.
No
Fishing
Sex
Joke
One
morning while on vacation at their lake house a husband returns
after several hours of fishing & decides to take a nap. Although
not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat
out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and begins reading
a book.
After
a short while a game warden pulls his boat up alongside the woman
and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading
a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"Do
you know you are in a Restricted Fishing Area?" he asks. "I'm
sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
Yes,
but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
says the woman.
"But
I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's
true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
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