How Latex Gloves Are Made
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't," she replied. "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing! "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just picturing how condoms are made!"
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered. Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" My patient replied "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener."
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's --Dress, and began to try to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Star Wars Sexy Quotes
'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'
'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'
'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'
'You've got something jammed in here real good.' '
Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'
'Look at the size of that thing!'
'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'
'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'
'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'
'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'
'Control, control! You must learn control!'
'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'
'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'
'I never knew I had it in me.'
'There is good in him, I've felt it.'
'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'
'Back door, huh? Good idea!'
'She's gonna blow!'
'Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'
The Free Beer
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of Pepper Tequila. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta give her one.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to do all that.
As time goes on, the man drinks a few too many and finally concedes... "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of Pepper Tequila with both hands, downs it with a big slurp as tears stream down his face. Next he staggers out back to the alligator and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped with big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
You Know You Are Getting Old When...
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!" And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!" And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
Watch What You Say
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the third house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Shooting Fully Loaded
A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot in the stomach twice. She was rushed to the hospital where she was treated and told that she is pregnant with twins and while her children are fine, the bullets were lodged in each of the babies stomachs. The doctor said- "Don't worry, the bullet will pass through their system through normal metabolism."
As time goes on the woman has her twins, a girl and a boy who are healthy and grow up unaware of the bullets. Twelve years later, the girl comes up to her mother and says "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!" The mother says, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did you know?" The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.
A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" "No, I was masturbating and I accidentally shot the dog."
Ways To Tell A Man His Zipper Is Down
"The cucumber has left the salad."
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work.
After a while Sarah gets a terrible headache and goes to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
Why Aren't You Married?
For those of you that are single and are tired of being asked this question, here are some comical relief comebacks...
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. Becky my darling," he whispered. Hush my love," she said. Rest, dont talk." He was insistent. Becky," he said in his tired voice, I have something that I must confess."
Theres nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, everythings all right, go to sleep." No, no I must die in peace, Becky I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, let the poison work."
Sticking It Out
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went back to investigate only to find the little boy sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out 'til noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Wears The Pants
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until you change your ridiculous attitude Mr.!"
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw".
The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, "What the heck is wrong with you! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!" The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, "I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming."
Top Ten Slogans Being Considered by Viagra
"Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
What Do Most People Do On A Date?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - Martin, age 10
What Would You Do On A First Date That Was Turning Sour?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. - Craig, age 9
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
When they're rich. - Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - Howard, age 8
Is It Better To Be Single or Married?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9
How Would The World Be Different If People Didn't Get Married?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
Soft & Hard
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
You Explain It!
A mother and her young son are flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turns to his mother and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother couldn't think of an answer, so tells her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess the same question. " The stewardess responds, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."
A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way." The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a bloody vibrator."
Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:
I need to whip it out by 5.
The Line Up
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry." The policeman fainted.....
OBGYN Becomes A Mechanic
A gynecologist decides that he'd had it with gynecology. He wanted to go and fulfill his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic. So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test. The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colors! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible. "200 points out of 100 points possible?" he asks himself. "How can that be?"
So he calls the licensing board and they tell him: "You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the muffler."
One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters." So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need." A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?" Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12-pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"
The Chicken & The Egg
The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle."
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The "Sarge" shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
Watch What You Eat
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight. The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes.