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Sex
Jokes
Fun &
Sexy
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Learning
Japanese
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An
American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and
was going at it with her all night. She kept screaming, "Fujifoo!
Fugifoo!" The American thought she was screaming out in pleasure.
The
next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he
got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo!"
One Japanese man looked at him confused and said, "No, you got
the right hole."
10
Things You Don't Want Said During Sex
1.
But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Can you please pass me the remote control?
5. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
6. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
7. Did I remember to take my pill?
8. You're almost as good as my ex!
9. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
10. I have a confession...
Why
Aren't You Married?
When you
are single and are sick of the question "Why aren't you married,
we have put a list of clever comebacks for you-
-
You haven't asked yet.
-
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
- Because
I just love hearing this question.
-
Just lucky, I guess.
-
It gives my mother something to live for.
- My
fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
- I'm
still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
- I'm
waiting until I get to be your age.
-
It didn't seem worth a blood test.
- I
already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
-
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo
doll rituals.
- Why
aren't you thin?
- I'm
married to my career, although recently we have been considering
a trial separation.
- Bonus
reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child
would be redundant.
No
Pussy For Dad
A little pissed off, the boy goes out to
do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When
he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed
the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When
the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy.
His
mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any
milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw
you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"
Just
as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs
and kicks the cat.
The
little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell
him, or should I?"
Sixty-eight
While making love, a man says "Darling,
let's do 68!
"68?
What's that? his wife inquires."
"You
do it to me and I'll owe you one."
Wishful
Thinking
A young couple is golfing one day on a
very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the
third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front
window of the biggest house along the course.
They
walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in."
Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle
lying on the floor. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people
who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the
man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who
was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me.
I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give
each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."
"Fantastic!"
says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest
of my life." "No problem," says the genie, "it’s the least I could
do. And you, ma’am, what do you want?"
"I
want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.
"Consider
it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man.
"And
now for my wish. Because I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t
had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife.
"
The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we
did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don’t mind,
honey, I don’t either."
The
wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes
her for three hours. After he’s through, the genie rolls over,
looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five,"
she replies.
"And he still believes in genies?"
Funny
Condoms
A man walks into a drugstore and asks the
pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into
laughter and walks out of the store.
The
next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks
out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist
asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back.
Sure
enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing.
This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.
"So
did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yup."
"Where
did he go?"
"Your
house."
Two
Sperms Taking A Swim
Two sperms are swimming.
One looks over at the other and says, "I'm exhausted! Are we almost
there?"
The
other sperm looks back at him and says, "Are you kidding? We just
passed the esophagus!"
He
Said... She Said...
A groom passes down the aisle of the church
to take his place by the altar, when the best man notices that
the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The
best man says, “Hey man, I know you’re happy to be getting married,
but what’s up? You look so excited.”
The
groom replies, “I just had the best blow job I have ever had in
my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave
it to me.”
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too has the biggest,
brightest smile on her face.
The
maid of honor notices this and says, “I know you’re happy to be
getting married, but what’s up? You look so excited.”
The
bride replies, “I have just given the last blow job of my entire
life!”
Loves
To Scratch
A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching
his nuts.... something she seemed to love to do.
As
he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you
love doing that?"
"Because,"
she replied, "I really miss mine."
A
Bad Deal
For his birthday,
little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son,
we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000
and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."
The next
day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with
a suitcase. So he asked, "Son , where are you going?"
Little Joseph
told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you
telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to
wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying
here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"
Sneezing
A woman was riding on a plane next to another
man in first class. The man sneezed very hard, pulled out his
penis and wiped the tip off. The woman couldn't believe what she
just saw and decided she was hallucinating.
A
few minutes passed. The man sneezed again. He pulled out his penis
and wiped the tip off. The woman was about to go nuts. She couldn't
believe that such a rude person existed. A few minutes passed.
The man sneezed yet again. He took his penis out and wiped the
tip off.
The
woman finally had enough. She turned to the man and said,
"Three
times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis
from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate
are you?"
The
man replied, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have
a very rare condition such as that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The
woman then said,
"Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The
man looked at her, grinned and said, "Pepper, of course."
He
Tried So Hard
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office
to get a sperm count.
The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
me back a sample tomorrow."
The
next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office
and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous
day.
The
doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's
like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then
I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my
wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then
her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with
the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even
called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and
her mouth too, but nothing."
The
doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The
old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't
get the DAMN jar open!"
His
First Porn Video
A very naïve man decides to do something
wild he hasn't done before, so he sets out to rent his first X-rated
adult video. He goes to the video store and after looking around
for a while selects a title that sounds very stimulating. He drives
home, gets comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To his disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen.
He got mad and called the video store to complain.
Naïve
Man : "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing
on the tape, but static."
Store
Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those
tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Naïve
Man: "It's called, Head Cleaner."
Little
Old Lady In The Sex Shop
A little old lady entered the sex shop and
asked in a quivering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos
h-here?"
The
salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance
in his shop, answered
"Uh,
yes, ma'am. We do."
The
little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart
asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?"
"Well,
yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming
a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny ofth-them
about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well...
Yes, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do
aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?"
"Yes,
Ma'am, one of them does."
"W
-Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?"
The
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat.
As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman
boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards
his seat, and a wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.
Lo and behold,
she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation,
he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”
The woman
turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac
Convention in Chicago.”
The man swallows
hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Struggling to maintain
his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at
this convention?”
“Lecturer,”
she says. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths
about sexuality.”
“Really,”
he says. “What myths are those?”
“Well,” she
explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the
most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth
is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it’s men
of Jewish decent.”
Suddenly,
the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I'm sorry,” she
says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name!”
“Tonto” the
man says as he extends his hand. “Tonto Goldstein.”
Hold
On To That Horse
A woman from New York was driving through
a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. A man on horseback
came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed
up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The
ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes he would let
out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding
hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local
service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode
off.
'What
did you do to get that man so excited?' asked the service-station
attendant.
'Nothing,'
the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put
my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't
fall off.'
'Lady,'
the attendant said, 'that horse didn't have a saddle.'
Daddy?
Sex
Joke
A
young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother,
"Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and
curly hair?" "That's your father." "Then who's that old bald-headed
fat man who lives with us now?"
Sexual
Exhaustion
A college professor reminds her class of
tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses
for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack
or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate
family, but that's it, no other excuses!'
A
sarcastic guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?' The
entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When
silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says, Well,
I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
Skinny
Dipping At The Orchard
A farmer takes a shortcut through his orchard
to a nearby pond, carrying a bucket to bring back some fruit.
Once he gets to the pond, he sees two girls skinny dipping. They
see him and immediately drop below the water.
"We're
not coming out until you leave!" shouts one of the girls.
"I
didn't come to watch you swim naked." says the farmer, holding
up the bucket.
"I'm just here to feed the alligators."
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