Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Sex What It Means To Be Sexually Confident & Empowered When most people think of society today, they typically consider that we are more open about sexuality than ever before. I disagree.

Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D., C.E.O. HolisticWisdom.com Founder

Extreme Superficial Sexuality

I think that we are more daring with nudity, and bold through sexual display, however, it is a superficial type of sexuality. It is more often than not coming from a place of ego, insecurity and rebellion when it is displayed.

Often through reality shows, music videos, commercials, movies and even the news you see extremely superficial aspects of sexuality. Women as well as men are sex objects. Women in particular have long been shown this way, and while I am not against nudity, or displays of sexuality, I am not impressed with women running around dressing like hookers, waving their asses in the faces of anyone who will look and then in turn calling any other women who does this a whore.

Check out the Flavor Flav show on VH1 Flavor of Love 2 or look at anything Paris Hilton does to see what I mean. There is a big difference between a woman who is confident in herself, who dresses sensually and a woman who is insecure and is desperately trying to get the attention of any one who will notice her. This kind of approach to sexuality sends the message that sex is all about having power and control over others. It is fear based, it is from insecurity, it is not beautiful to those who know the difference.

People who see the world in black and white make the mistake of thinking that sexuality can be viewed in two ways... cheap and superficial or uptight and conservative. This is a dangerous way to view the world and can lead to all sorts of problems.

Women In A Sexually Superficial Society

For women it often sets the stage for her to feel that in order to compete for attention she must dress and act in a manner that focuses completely on her appearance. Wearing revealing clothes to bragging about sexual prowess are ways this is accomplished. A big trend now is for young girls to claim they are bisexual, even if they are not, to seem sexually edgy in order to attract men.

When you see women waving their ass in someone's face, the message that can be interpreted is that they are a piece of meat to be screwed, and discarded. I am not saying that you can't ever put your ass in someone's face, because sometimes that is fun... what I am saying is to look at WHY one is doing it.

We need to move toward a place where we experience sexuality from a place of confidence, not insecurity. Where we express our sensual natures from a more empowered place within us. We are more than our butts, breasts and vaginas.

We need to show our sexuality in a way that commands respect while honoring our integrity. We can exhibit our sensual beauty through our speech, dress and body language in an empowered way and make that the norm, rather than focusing only on our skin.

Whether you are into a one night stands, open or monogamous relationships... you deserve respect from yourself and others. A woman who knows and believes this will ensure that she receives it by putting out signals to the world that she is a sexual goddess with a mind and soul.

Men In A Sexually Superficial Society

Men in our society are often encouraged (especially by peers) to seek out any kind of sexual activity no matter what woman it is with or the health risks involved. They are often encouraged to manipulate others to get sex and to talk about getting it. They are erroneously taught that they are valued for their performance, penis size, physique and ability to get laid.

Like women, they are taught to be ashamed of masturbation. Men are not made aware of prostate massage, the health benefits or pleasure due to fears of homosexuality. There is no emphasis on embracing their pleasure as a whole- pleasuring themselves beyond just their penis or how to develop healthy sexual self esteem with respect for their bodies or their sexual partner(s).

The Sexually Superficial Path

Both men and women are being groomed in these situations to see themselves and their worth as dictated by how they can appeal sexually. These superficial approaches to sexuality are often demeaning to our sense of self. When we send out messages that we are wanting to be seen for our surface sexuality than we will in turn attract people into our lives that are also preoccupied with all the baggage that comes along with it.

Conservative Repression

On the other side of the spectrum, you have ultra conservatives that are repulsed by many aspects of sexuality and who are more than ready to throw out what are healthy, educated and empowering forms of sexuality right along with the dysfunctional.

When this happens you find that people will repress their sexuality and see all kinds of problems. You will begin to see increased sexual abuse, rape, pedophila and a lot of hypocrisy.

Let's look at a current example of what happens when sexuality is repressed-

Florida Representative Mark Foley sent sexual harassing eMails to minor, teenage males while he was the founder and co-chair of the Congressional Missing and Exploited Children's Caucus and has played key roles in recent legislation to protect kids - including the Volunteers for Children Act, which gives organizations that work with youths access to FBI fingerprint checks to make sure they don't hire child molesters.

Most people are saying how ironic... but I say how typical. People hate most in others what they hate in themselves. We must look closely at people who are in such positions. Often, those who take a moderate approach are not of concern, it is those who come down hard on issues in an ultra conservative manner that have the hidden issues. This is because deep down inside they are yelling loudly on the outside to either divert people's attention away from their true intentions and/or to push down what dysfunction is inside them.

We have all seen it in ministers, priests, politicians and activists who are overly obnoxious about sexuality. It is of no surprise when you find out they have been molesting children, raped someone or committed some other atrocity.

Coming Out Of The Confusion

So when you are surrounded with superficial sexuality mixed with damning conservative views about sexuality, it is no wonder why there are so many confused and dissatisfied people. I believe we are in need of a sexual revolution. The following are a few things I would like to see occur in the future as we evolve and better understand healthy sexuality.

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