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Home » Sexual Resources » Sex Articles » Relationships

Vibrators are for Women...
as Porn is for Men

One of the most common questions that women have regarding men and porn is whether or not it is normal or healthy for their man to watch porn and/or masturbate.

Masturbation for Couples

Do healthy and happy couples masturbate alone when their partner is not around? Absolutely, in fact it can be a great way for couples to be closer to one another as it takes off the burden of us putting all of our sexual needs on our partner. Not having to depend on our partner to be in the mood when we are, allows us the opportunity to experience our own creativity when it comes to our sexuality. This can also allow us to have increased sexual intimacy as we can experience being loved and understood by our partners as a whole person who is an individual person as well as part of a partnership.

Lisa Lawless
By Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D.
Psychotherapist & Sexuality Expert

CEO & Founder of
Holistic Wisdom, Inc. & NAASAS

Copyright: Holistic Wisdom- Do NOT Copy Warning

Copyright © Holistic Wisdom, Inc.

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When Women Ask About Men Watching Porn

When most women ask this, they are concerned and even hurt about having discovered that the man they love is sexually pleasuring himself while watching other women. For women, it can feel like a blow not just to their sense of self worth but also the level of love that they think their partner feels for them.

Biological & Primal Urges

Women are extremely competitive, especially when it comes to the way that we are perceived through appearances. This is a natural state as women biologically depend on appearances to attract mates. Curvaceous hips send the signal that we are equipped for child bearing. Our breasts demonstrate an ability to nurture our offspring. Even beyond that our hair, lips and other physical features show whether we are healthy and would make a good mate to carry the seed of a male suitor.

It is biologically something that we feel at our very core when we notice another woman strutting her stuff around a man that we love. It is normal to feel aware of such potential threats to our relationship and just as men have an urge to enjoy women visually, we have a primal need to be seen as beautiful enough to keep our man interested in us to create stability for our emotional needs and for our children. This in turn can make us easily offended when our lover receives sexual gratification from viewing other women. In fact, we often feel insecure, which can be expressed in a variety of ways from depression to downright indignation and outrage.

Mental & Emotional Maturity

Our relationships are much more complex then just basic primal instincts; however, it is what we do with them that show our mental and emotional maturity. If a relationship is a healthy and a loving one, we can allow for creative sexual stimulation such as porn and sex toys within a monogamous relationship. These can even benefit a relationship.

This is not to say that there are not men who have a problem with pornography. When they are watching it too often, emotionally abandon their partners or start thinking that porn is somehow supposed to be a reflection of reality, there can be a problem. However, one must not be too quick to lump porn watching into the category of porn addiction, nor should we punish men for their natural need for visual stimulation. Too often men already feel shame regarding their natural visual needs and it is only in the strongest relationships that we find ways to nurture this without shame.

What is that Need for Porn in Men?

The simplest way to put it is that men have a need for visual stimulation sexually. It is a major way their brains feed sexual pleasure. Women on the other hand are much more into emotional and tactile stimulation. There is no need to justify this in either sex… it is just the way we are wired and there is nothing wrong with either way of experiencing the world. Of course we are all unique and some of us have more masculine tendencies while others have more feminine tendencies regardless of sex. However, for the sake of a general stereotype this is a solid way to describe it.

Sexual Tools for Both Sexes

Women are much more complex sexually when it comes to what will help us to achieve orgasm. We tend to require more stimulation and sometimes for longer periods of time. Part of this reason is because women carry a great deal of mental and emotional processing in our brains. We tend to have to get to a place where we can relax and have peace before we can really sexually let go. Life does not often hand us that ease and that is why vibrators are so wonderful for us. They can quickly bring us to a point of arousal where we do not necessarily have to have everything in its perfect place in our minds to sexually unwind. Using a vibrator, especially through clitoral stimulation, we can orgasm within as short a time as 30 seconds because of the intensity that it offers.

Women who love using vibrators understand that they in no way replace the pleasure and intimacy of a partner; but we cannot dismiss how amazing they are as a sexual tool. They help stimulate us in a way that is not matched with other types of stimulation.

Guess what ladies? That is exactly what porn is for healthy men. It is their vibrator. It does not replace you nor could it ever come close to the intimacy that they feel with you. Rather, it is a sexual tool that they use to help get them more quickly aroused and make their masturbation experience more creative and fun.

Porn for Women

Women do tend to enjoy stories along with their porn. If you look at the Fifty Shades book phenomenon, you will see that many women enjoy the descriptions of the drama along with the explicit descriptions of sex. Often, there is not even a need for the visual, rather, it is more enticing for a woman to imagine it in her mind. It is why a Fifty Shades movie is not going to need to show as much explicit sex to still be popular.

There is also porn for women, which provides a softer approach to porn, and again there is an emphases on a story line. The visual emphasis is focused on the actors like male porn, but special emphasis on a story line along with beautiful and even majestic surroundings such as lavish bedrooms, stunning county sides are included as the female mind enjoys those details.


Fifty Shades Books
by E.L. James show that
women enjoy erotica as well.

The focus in female porn, tends to be on strong, gorgeous men, who have not only a physical desire for the women in the porn, but also an emotional desire. There tends to be an edge of meaning in the porn for women that is not as present for men and this can make porn for women even more powerful and lasting to a woman. Therefore, knowing this, men can feel insecure, not just about the physical comparisons, but the personal attributes as well.

It is a Tool and Nothing More

At the end of masturbation after all our wild sexual feelings and thoughts have drifted off and our body relaxes we tend to forget what it was that even stimulated us so much for that brief period of time and we move on with our day not giving it much thought. It has meant nothing more than a pause during our day for sexual release and there are no emotional ties that keep us in that state of mind.

For the healthy woman and man, we use our sexual tools and receive pleasure from them but see them for what they are... a simple convenience. If we allow our partners to enjoy these treats and even give them our blessing, then it can create a sense of absolute trust and love between partners.

Imagine knowing that the love of your life completely understands you and wants you to experience happiness. They embrace that you are an individual and have different needs than they do. They encourage you to do what makes you happy.

Imagine knowing that you do not have to feel shame or hide that you masturbate or experience pleasure when you are without your partner. It is a freedom within a monogamous relationship that many couples do not let themselves or their partners have.

However, when couples do allow for such freedoms and there is trust and communication, porn and sex toys can make a relationship more creative and even more intimate. That is not to say that sometimes insecurities will not come up and need to be addressed. After all, a relationship goes through changes and cycles. It must be nurtured and worked on in order to stay fit and healthy, but when it is… how sweet it can be.


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