To Forgive Or Not To Forgive: Learn More About Forgiveness Styles

Types Of Forgiveness

Let's talk about forgiveness. It's a powerful act of healing, and guess what? There are many ways to forgive. Each style of forgiveness is unique and there's no single right way to do it. Embracing the diverse paths to forgiveness can truly enrich our journey toward healing and growth.

Forgiveness is about discovering what nourishes your spirit and supports your connections with others. Let's delve into various approaches to forgiveness, and reflect on whether or not forgiving is the right choice for you.

Avoiding

Forgiving someone doesn't always mean you have to keep them close or continue to engage with behaviors that hurt you. Sometimes, forgiveness means setting boundaries to protect your heart. This is what is known as an avoidant style of forgiveness and is often helpful when the person that harmed you will not recognize or apologize for the pain they have caused or change their behavior. 

Confronting

When addressing someone about the hurt they've caused, it's important to share your feelings and express what you wish had been different. Moving forward, establishing clear boundaries can nurture a healthier relationship for both of you. This conversation, while tough, can be a profound step toward healing and mutual respect. This can be helpful when someone is being manipulative or is repeating an offensive behavior.

Reconciling

You can choose to forgive by recognizing that the person’s actions might not have been meant to hurt you. Often, they stem from their own struggles, pain, or simply a lack of awareness. Embracing this perspective can lead to a healing path of understanding and compassion.

This type of forgiving can only be done with someone who acknowledges what they have done to cause you pain and then makes a concerted effort not to cause you pain going forward.

It is important to remember, a true apology is always paired with a change in harmful behavior. Without that transformation, what we're hearing isn't really an apology—it's manipulation. 

Forgiving & Forgetting

The phrase to forgive and forget means that the person who was caused harm is willing to move on without holding resentment. However, this phrasing can be confusing because while we can move on without resentment, we won't typically forget when someone has caused us harm.

Furthermore, if they do it again or it is chronic, we must remember their harmful behavior to ensure healthy boundaries. Thus, as long as the apology is sincere and the unhealthy behavior is not continued it can be a healthy form of forgiving, while still remembering so that both of you can learn from it and move on without resentment.

Self Forgiveness

Forgiving oneself is the ability to acknowledge that we make mistakes and to take action not to continue to cause damage. In addition, it is about understanding that we should expect progress, not perfection, when it comes to our growth, and making mistakes is part of being human.

However, in making those mistakes, we accept that to forgive ourselves truly, we must be accountable for our actions and work toward rectifying the harm we have caused. Otherwise, we will most likely repeat unhealthy behavior and not embrace the lessons from our mistakes.

Do We Have To Forgive To Heal?

As I share these thoughts, I am deeply moved by the courage of the many survivors of abuse and assault I've encountered throughout my work. Their powerful stories of enduring and overcoming pain inflicted by those they should have been able to trust—family members, teachers, and others—continue to resonate with me. Their strength and resilience are a testament to the incredible capacity of the human spirit to heal and thrive, even in the face of profound adversity.

Yet too often, I have seen many types of professionals tell a victim that they have to forgive to heal, and I say you don't. To burden a victim of abuse with the responsibility of forgiveness of their perpetrator is unfair and can cause additional and unnecessary pain.

Understand that you can choose not to offer forgiveness while still healing your pain. Many self-help experts often say that forgiveness is not for the other person but for ourselves so that we can heal. However, this does not describe the definition of what forgiveness means. The original definition of forgiveness means to pardon someone.

Many of us stretch the concept of forgiveness to include all aspects of healing. We're drawn to this because forgiveness feels like the right thing to embrace. And it can be a beautiful step toward healing, but it's important to recognize that forgiveness doesn't mean ignoring or accepting continued hurt or abuse, especially from those who haven't sought forgiveness or continue to cause pain. This understanding helps us navigate our emotional landscapes with compassion and clarity.

Forgiveness is separate from letting go of resentments, healing, and moving forward. Doing these things does not require pardoning someone; it does not require forgiveness.

What we really deserve after having someone inflict pain is healing, and you do not have to pardon someone for your own healing. Keep in mind the following:

• You can let someone's mistakes be something they must atone for without your involvement, as they are responsible for their own emotional evolution, just as you are for yours.
  
  
• We aren’t obligated to forgive others, but we owe it to ourselves to safeguard our hearts from further pain. It’s essential that we pursue the love, compassion, and care we truly deserve.
  
  
• We have the power to nurture empathy, compassion, and love, while also recognizing that sometimes, the responsibility to forgive hurtful behavior does not lie with us.

Asking For Forgiveness

When seeking forgiveness, it is essential to understand that someone is not required to absolve you of the harm you have caused them. Nor should you expect them to quickly get over the pain you have inflicted on them.

You are not owed forgiveness, nor should you expect someone to get over something you have done just because you have asked to be forgiven.

No One Is Owed Forgiveness & It Can Take Time

Understand that an emotionally mature person will not blame another person for not forgiving them or for being unable to recover from the pain they have caused. Attempting to repair a relationship after hurtful behavior is vital to make amends, but it is crucial to have a realistic understanding that there is a process of rebuilding trust, which can take time.

Additionally, it's vital to recognize that our actions can deeply wound others, sometimes to the point where they feel the relationship can't be mended. We carry the responsibility for the hurt we inflict, which can leave lasting marks. This highlights the importance of self-improvement and cultivating an awareness of how crucial it is to avoid harming others, no matter our own struggles.

Scars Serve To Remind Of Life Lessons

Furthermore, being forgiven does not erase past pain, and there is no such thing as a truly fresh start. Instead, a relationship can be healthy with the scars from past wounds still present. Like physical scars, some are barely noticeable, while others are more obvious and serve as a potent reminder never to cause such pain again.

When A Partner Insists On Forgiveness

Partners who insist they should be forgiven often have difficulty regulating emotions and typically have either dismissive or avoidant attachment styles. This should be addressed, or they will be unable to conduct themselves in a healthy manner and most certainly will continue to have significant conflicts in their relationships.

How To Ask For Forgiveness

• If you genuinely wish to ask for forgiveness, you must acknowledge what you have done by taking responsibility for your actions.
  
  
• You should use direct language, saying something like, "I know that I caused your pain, and I am sorry."
  
  
• Do not justify your behavior; you can explain the circumstances of it but do not defend it.
  
  
• When apologizing, you should show remorse through your speech and behavior and offer to make things better by attempting to rectify the situation.
  
  
• Once you have asked for forgiveness, give the person you have hurt time and space to forgive you.
  
  
• Invite them to share their thoughts and feelings, and truly listen with an open heart. Encourage them to express their pain in your presence. It's important to understand that simply apologizing without allowing the other person to voice their feelings can seem insincere. It may come across as if you're seeking forgiveness for your own benefit, rather than truly engaging with their emotions.
  
  Genuine connection involves welcoming their perspectives and pain, recognizing the impact of your actions, and actively contributing to their healing journey with compassion and support.

Apologizing When No Harm Was Intended

When we accidentally hurt someone, it doesn't lessen their pain or their right to feel it. Recognizing their hurt and offering a heartfelt apology can be a profound way to connect and show that we truly see and hear them. This understanding can be a powerful step in healing and strengthening relationships.

Keep in mind that at the heart of every meaningful connection is the need to feel seen and heard. Recognizing and validating this can transform any relationship. Offering an apology doesn’t cost us anything but can mean everything to someone we’ve hurt, intentionally or otherwise. Let’s not underestimate the power of simply acknowledging each other’s feelings.

In Conclusion

Forgiveness is a journey that unfolds in its own time and way. It's vital to honor what feels right for you and to gently release the pain that no longer serves you.

Exploring whether you want to forgive or what type of forgiveness that best serves you and your relationship goals, whether you decide to move forward or end a relationship, is an important key to good mental health.

Embracing the journey of self-discovery or nurturing your relationships can profoundly benefit from the supportive space of therapy. Alongside this, enriching your understanding through reading about your challenges can be incredibly empowering.

Remember, it's through our willingness to be vulnerable that we unlock the gifts of courage, healing, and connection. So, courageously reach out for the support you deserve and open your heart to transformation.

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