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Sex Toy Fears: Are They Right For You Or Your Relationship?
Dr. Lisa Lawless, CEO of Holistic Wisdom
Clinical Psychotherapist: Relationship & Sexual Health Expert
Common Fears About Sex Toys
Vulnerability and fear often lead to myths and misconceptions, and it's not any different when we discuss sex toys. The depth of worries about using sex toys can stretch from insecurities to queries about their health and safety.
Some concerns are based on misinformation, while others are valid. We will review some of the most common fears and help you determine what you should be concerned about and what may just be based on a myth.
Common Sex Toy Myths
Sex Toys Are Only For Perverts
Exploring the use of a sex toy doesn't brand you as weird, perverted, or unhealthy; quite the contrary, they serve as tools to enhance sexual pleasure, increase intimacy, and address sexual health issues.
Human sexuality is a complicated tapestry, influenced by an array of components that shape our sexual wellbeing mentally, emotionally, and physically. While some people may misuse sex toys in unhealthy ways, mere use of these sexual tools doesn't necessarily indicate anything unhealthy or problematic.
Sex Toys Are Just For Pleasure
Harnessing the power of sex toys can make sexual experiences more effortless and may allow for sexual stimulation when it may otherwise not be possible, especially in cases where health conditions and disabilities come into play.
If we are fortunate to live a long life, we inevitably will have issues that impact our sexual functioning, even with common hormonal fluctuations. In this vast, intricate landscape of human sexuality, sex toys are not just agents of pleasure; they can serve as essential tools to navigate through sexual challenges.
Your Partner Will Feel Inadequate
Consider a vibrator or air pulse stimulator, which can send waves of pleasure through the clitoris with a speed and rhythm surpassing human capabilities. Even though a sex toy is being used, the real magic, and profound connection, don't come from the sex toy itself but rather from the shared experience with a lover.
The deepest yearnings are not for an inanimate object but for human touch and emotional bonding. A sex toy is just a means to an end, a tool to make the beautiful journey of sexual satisfaction more accessible.
While some sex toys allow people to experience a bit larger girth or length, and vibrators allow for faster speeds and intensity, they cannot mimic the exhilarating sensation of an aroused partner's touch or the electrifying connection of skin on skin. The simple truth is that a sex toy can never replace our innate need for human contact.
As we address apprehensions surrounding dildos and penis size, keep in mind that women pass babies through their vaginas. Penis size does not determine pleasure; it's an aspect, not the rule. Some may find added pleasure in the unique angles or added girth a dildo offers, but there's no room for feelings of inadequacy here.
Please see our article about the importance of the Clitoris or our Clitoral & Vaginal Orgasm Guide to better understand why size is not the most significant factor in vulvar and vaginal sexual satisfaction.
The human heart yearns to be desired. Seeing and feeling the arousal of a partner is beautifully achieved with or without sex toys. It's in the spoken words, the deep look into each other's eyes, the gentle touches exchanged while sparking sexual incitement. It's about you, your partner, and the bond you share. Any sex toy employed simply enriches the dance.
Using Sex Toys Can Be Dangerous
Sex toys are not dangerous if used properly and are body-safe, and can have a very positive effect on your sexual health. For example, menopausal women can use Kegel exercisers to maintain vaginal tone, dilators to aid with painful sex, and vibrators or air pulse stimulators to help increase blood flow which may improve lubrication and overall sexual functioning.
While men who struggle with achieving erections often benefit from using penis pumps and vibrators to increase blood flow to the penis and find erection rings helpful in maintaining an erection. Many doctors and therapists recommend sex toys to their patients who have trouble reaching orgasm or sexual health issues.
A healthy relationship with your body is beneficial to your overall health. Using sex toys can heighten your awareness of your body and its functions, making you more alert to abnormalities such as bumps, lumps, or abrasions. Thus, they can help increase sexual awareness and overall health as long as they are body-safe.
To learn more about what makes a sex toy body safe, please see our education guide: Body Safe Sex Toy Guide.
If You Have A Partner, You Don't Need A Sex Toy
Exploring intimacy with your partner through the use of a sex toy can strengthen your relationship and act as an affirmation of closeness. If your lover doesn't think you need a sex toy or expresses concerns, it's essential to create space for an empathetic conversation. You might want to explain that it's not about necessity but embracing the opportunity to enhance your intimate experiences.
If you require a sex toy to climax or need one because you're navigating a physical health condition or disability, it's certainly understandable and a healthy option. Open, honest communication about these needs fosters understanding and forms an integral part of your relationship.
Sex Toys Are For Masturbation Only
While sex toys are great for masturbation, many couples enjoy using sex toys together, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your relationship; it is quite the opposite.
Couples who are comfortable trying new things together are open-minded, intimate, comfortable, and trusting. Using a sex toy together is an excellent way to reaffirm the strength of your relationship.
Buying Sex Toys Is Embarrassing
We certainly agree that many people do find it embarrassing. That is why we ensure discreet billing and shipping. We will not contact you regarding anything but your order, and we will never sell your information.
You don't have to worry about racy catalogs coming to your house or any other such potential embarrassment. We care about you and your privacy.
Introducing Sex Toys To Your Relationship
It may not be a good idea to buy a huge dildo or butt plug as a first purchase. It is vital to start a hesitant or cautious partner with something smaller and non-intimidating.
To explore tips for choosing your first sex toy please see our related educational guides:
Communicate With Your Partner
Make sure that your partner is on board when it comes to using a sex toy, and even after an agreement, be sensitive to the fact that this is a new experience. As with any new experience, there is often a level of apprehension which means that performance anxiety can also come into play.
If this should happen, use lubrication, and integrate the sex toy after you begin to fool around. Also, make sure you have enough time to relax and enjoy your time together; this is not a good time to be rushed. See our related sex and communication guides:
Dealing With Insecurities
Insecurity affects us all at some time or another. It is imperative to emotionally honor our feelings by giving ourselves time to experience them. When we try to suppress our symptoms with any mental, physical, or emotional distress, we cause significant harm to ourselves. We will most certainly begin to see serious side effects with long-term suppression.
We are complex beings that need to experience our pain, our grief, and of course, joy. Allow yourself to process your insecurity in a deep and vulnerable manner. Emotionally release your fears and begin to assure yourself that you will be able to handle those things that cause your insecurity.
If you need professional assistance in the emotional and mental work of coming to terms with your insecurities, we recommend finding a therapist. Your mind, body, and spirit are worth taking the time to nurture.
Be Patient & Experiment
Not all sex toys work for everyone. Understand that a sex toy you or your partner have selected might be wrong for your sexual preferences. That's okay; just put it aside, try something different, and be patient.
Your partner may agree to play with the toy and then change their mind midway through the experience. That's their prerogative. Be patient and try another time again, maybe even with a different toy. It might take a while, but it will be worth the wait.
What Makes A Great Lover?
Embracing our vulnerability is essential to navigating our fears regarding our sexual insecurities. So whether you choose to use sex toys with your partner or not, you can have a good sex life.
What is most important is our willingness to connect with our partner during sexual activity, be vulnerable, and communicate in a loving manner. It's not so much about being a good lover but rather about being a wholehearted one.
See our guide on Improving Relationships for more helpful information.