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How To Ask For Better Sex

Dr. Lisa Lawless

Dr. Lisa Lawless, CEO of Holistic Wisdom
Clinical Psychotherapist: Relationship & Sexual Health Expert

Cucumber Puppet Couple, How To Ask For Better Sex

Improving Your Satisfaction

One of the most challenging things couples tackle in the bedroom is asking for their sexual needs to be met, especially when your partner lacks technique or enthusiasm. It is quite a common concern for many couples; however, the good news is that most people are more receptive than you may think.

In a world filled with superficial sexuality without much emphasis on authentic communication about it, many suffer in silence. It can cause emotional suffering and relationship conflicts that can become so bad that it ends in a couple breaking up or getting divorced. That is why this is such an important subject and why we will review with you some things you can do to make communication go more smoothly when it comes to sex.

Ask Questions During Non-Sexual Moments

One of the best ways to open someone to a conversation is to ask questions sincerely and in a non-pressured environment. At the core, everyone wants to feel understood, and taking time to ask your lover what excites them, delights them, and even delve into their fantasies is an excellent place to start. Remember not to come from a place of judgment; rather, allow them the space to speak freely about their sexual desires.

Tell Them Your Desires

Express your desires by telling your lover about your fantasies with them. You can start by describing how much you would love to get away with them to a romantic location and then go into the details of all the fun you would have. Perhaps this can even open up a conversation about making these things a reality.

Avoid Hurting Their Feelings

You will not typically want to say something about a former lover, so tell them that you fantasize about them doing certain things to you. Do this because it is the truth, and it avoids the potential pain of comparison to another lover. Also, try not to criticize your partner by expressing things from a negative vantage point. Telling them what you desire rather than what you feel you aren't getting allows your partner to feel they are being approached respectfully rather than insulted.

Encourage Your Partner

When your partner is doing something wonderful, encourage them by praising them or telling them how much you love it. Positive reinforcement is much more effective at creating intimacy than criticism. You can encourage everything you enjoy, from the way they do something to the sounds they make. Making them feel appreciated is an excellent way to make them want to do more and be more creative with you.

Create A Romantic Setting

Doing something as simple as lighting candles, playing erotic music, and introducing things like massage oils, special lubricants, and massagers allows you to create a mood of relaxation and romance. Doing these things also allows your partner to feel pampered and invites them to pamper you as well.

Get An Adult Game

If your partner is exceptionally passive, you may want to introduce an adult game that will allow you to play together and both give and receive. There are many, from those that are card games to board games. These adult games allow for an adventure for both of you. See the adult sex games we recommend for building sexual intimacy.

A fun exercise is simply asking fun sexual questions. Please see our guide: Sex & Communication For Partners for examples of the types of questions you can ask of one another.

Outside The Bedroom

Here are some things that can help keep things going smoothly outside the bedroom to make your relationship go the distance while promoting intimacy in the bedroom:

  • Create agreements beforehand about how you want things in your life to be handled to prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.

  • Pick your arguments carefully. Ask yourself before a fight begins how vital the issue is to you and if it is worth having potential conflict over. If you do proceed, say things in a respectful manner such as, "There is something that is upsetting me, and I want your help to address it?" By doing this, you are taking a team approach to problems.

  • When you are upset about something that you think happened but are not certain, make sure to ask neutral questions such as, "Can you tell me what happened?"

  • Express your needs with respect. Don't walk in and tell someone to "Stop playing video games, etc." Rather, invite them to do something with you by saying, "Hey, I miss you, do you want to______?"

  • When you make a mistake, apologize, do so sincerely, and acknowledge what you did wrong. Then actively through your behavior, show them that you are sincere and do not repeat the behavior.

  • Make small, loving gestures for one another daily. Something as simple as doing the dishes or rubbing their feet for ten minutes can make a world of difference to your lover by simply letting them know that you care about them through your behavior. Let them know how you feel about them every day through a small acknowledgment of your feelings and behavior.

In Conclusion

One of the most important things to consider is the golden rule. Treating them as you would want to be treated by being respectful, encouraging, and proactive is the best course of action. After all, don't you feel encouraged to be better at something the more someone gives you praise?

Creating a space where you approach things as a couple will allow you to feel more connected and create deeper intimacy and better sex.

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