Trusted for 24+ Years
Sex & Open Relationships
Dr. Lisa Lawless, CEO of Holistic Wisdom
Clinical Psychotherapist: Relationship & Sexual Health Expert
What This Covers
In this guide, we will review swingers as well as threesomes and the considerations that go into various sexual arrangements.
A Swinger Lifestyle
Swinging (polyamory and the lifestyle) refers to a couple with an open relationship that has sex with other couples or additional individual(s). Each couple determines the rules, and there is no right or wrong way to do it; rather, it is what is comfortable for each couple. Some couples that swing choose to have the same partners, while others can bring in new couples into their relationship with varying frequency.
Sexual Orientation
Swinging can refer to couples of any sexual orientation, and again the rules of those relationships are determined in a unique fashion dependent upon each couple. There are swinging clubs and swingers parties, but like couples, they all have different rules, norms, and themes. Some clubs focus on a certain sexual preference or fetish, and while most swingers clubs are open to people of varying ages, appearances, and size, some are more controlled with stricter criteria depending on the preferences of their members.
Swinging History
Swinging was first coined in the 1950s and was often arranged through personal ads. However, as the practice became more accepted in broader circles, swingers parties and clubs became more popular. A swinging organization called the North American Swing Club Association (NASCA.com) was established.
Exploring Same-Sex Sexual Experiences
Swingers can explore their sexuality in an environment that feels comfortable to them. It also provides an opportunity for bi-curious people to determine if that is appealing for them and satisfies their desires for the same sex. At the same time, they stay in a heterosexual relationship or vice versa in a homosexual relationship.
Healthy Requirements
Swingers enjoy the opportunity to be with other partners while enjoying the benefits of a traditional relationship. Those who choose a swinging lifestyle require a high level of communication and honesty within the relationship. It also requires a strong sense of security, self-esteem, and trust.
Beyond Sex
Some swingers choose to engage in sexual connections with other people only when they are together, while others prefer having privacy away from their partner. In some cases watching their partner can be part of the erotic draw.
Swingers tend to establish close friendships as they share the same beliefs and tend to be protective of maintaining anonymity outside of the swing groups. Swinging is not meant to promote unsafe or indiscriminate sexual encounters. Most swingers typically look for quality sexual experiences, not just anonymous partners or frequent sexual encounters.
Those who want to try swinging often confuse a fantasy of swinging compared to reality. In some cases, people who try it can find it emotionally upsetting. It must be discussed in great detail and continually monitored throughout the process to protect the relationship.
Infidelity
It is not okay for a swinger to cheat on their partner, just like it is not okay for an individual involved in a monogamous relationship to cheat. Therefore, it is only healthy to have sex as a swinger if everyone involved agrees to the relationship's terms. Swinging is not about cheating, closed communication, dishonesty, or lying; rather, it is about two people choosing alternative sexual boundaries than that of monogamy.
New Relationships
Swinging should typically not be attempted in a brand new relationship, as a couple should establish their own sense of connection first. Swinging is not for those in a relationship that is unhealthy or unstable, as it can destroy the relationship. Trust in the relationship is crucial, and if there is a lack of it or honest communication, then swinging it is not appropriate. The bottom line is that swinging is not for everyone.
Sexual Skills
Those that partake in swinging are by no means more evolved or sexually skilled. Many monogamous couples have very satisfying sexual relationships and do not need or desire any outside involvement from others. It comes down to defining what you want in your relationship and then negotiating the terms of that with your partner. Once the terms of your relationship are agreed upon, you must honor that agreement to protect the relationship.
Negotiating Terms
Couples may find that they may want to renegotiate the terms of their relationship boundaries as they continue together. This requires thoughtful and careful communication and appreciation for one's partner, not wanting to or wanting something different.
Threesomes
What You Should Consider Before Trying
The first issue is the most important, trust. Maintaining that throughout something like this will be the difference between keeping and nurturing your relationship or damaging it. One of the best things that you can do to maintain trust is to take the time to communicate your thoughts and feelings about this before you participate in the threesome. This applies not only to you and your partner but also to the person you choose to have participate with you.
Cuckolding
Threesomes are not the same as being a cuckold. Cuckolding is an older term that generally refers to infidelity, not open relationships. However, many people use the term this way without understanding its origins.
Pros & Cons
Make sure that not only do you talk through what you and your partner feel the pros and cons of doing this may be, but also discuss specific boundaries that you want to have. Both of you should thoroughly discuss what feels comfortable and what doesn't. Remember, this is not just about your partner and the third person's desires and comfort level, but yours as well. Once you have a clear understanding of what boundaries you want to have in place (or lack thereof), make sure to communicate these to the person participating with you before you do this so that everyone is clear about what is expected.
Healthy Boundaries
Again, it is helpful to ask the person who is participating with you and your partner what their comfort level is with all of this and their boundaries during that time. This is also an excellent time to discuss safe sex issues. Assumptions are emotionally and physically dangerous for this type of situation.
Don't forget to discuss the boundaries for all of the relationships afterward, such as phone calls, meetings, etc. For example, your partner may be comfortable with a threesome while they are present, but not with you socializing with the other person without them or vice versa. These things are always good to have clear beforehand.
Jealousy & Safety Words
That is why it is recommended to have a safety word that allows all involved to know when something makes you feel uncomfortable. A good time to use such a word is when couples interact, and feelings such as insecurity, jealousy, or anger occur. It lets the other partner know that it is not that we are blaming them for our uncomfortable feelings, but instead, we just want to let them know so that they don't continue to do it.
If the moment is right, we can choose to discuss it, or sometimes we will wait until later if we feel the need to. Nonetheless, it is very reassuring to each partner to know that the focus is being a team while showing respect, love, and trust toward the other person. It creates a sense of safety and thus allows you to be even more uninhibited because you know that you will work through it no matter what happens.
Maturity & Sobriety
Couples mature enough to have this level of communication will typically avoid problems when exploring sexual exploration of this kind. The couple that does not communicate and does this kind of thing spontaneously without first checking in with the other partner or under the influence of drugs or alcohol are at higher risk for having problems with this. There is nothing inherently wrong with using drugs or alcohol, but frequently we use them to loosen up, and sometimes that means we numb ourselves to the uncomfortable feelings that will haunt us later once we sobered up.
Negotiating
If you find some things that one of you is comfortable with and the other is not, it may be best to avoid them. Both partners need to respect that only those things you are comfortable with would be acted on. For those things that are uncomfortable for a partner, communicate to see if it can be worked through, and both partners can come to a place where it is all right or if compromises can be made. The goal is to ensure that both partners feel empowered and respected, whether alone or with others sexually. To sum up, the keys to this going well: communication, respect, and trust. See our Sex & Communication Guide.
Fantasies Vs. Reality
With that out of the way, I would also keep in mind that sometimes our fantasies are not always the best measuring tool to gauge if we will be comfortable in the reality of the situation. People often think they will react or feel one way, and then when presented with the reality of the situation, they find that they are not feeling or thinking what they thought they would. A non-sexual example is when couples get married. The fantasy of the wedding day is rarely as carefree or magical as the fantasy. The same applies to other potentially high emotional situations such as sexual adventures.
What people fantasize about and what they want in reality can be completely different. In fantasies, people control what happens, and it stays at a distance emotionally. Bringing the fantasy into reality can be a very different experience and may even be undesirable.
For example, some women fantasize about being raped; however, they control where things go in the fantasy. If it happens in reality, they are not in control and now have completely different feelings about what is happening to them. While a threesome has nothing to do with rape, you can understand that sometimes what someone feels comfortable within their fantasies is not always comfortable in real life.
Many people think that threesomes will be exciting and fun; however, more often than not, they do not consider that all kinds of problems can arise; the biggest are jealousy and shame. Then there is the question of what happens if your partner leaves you for the other person? What happens if you begin to see them differently and no longer want to be with them?
It is essential to explore the reality of what this means, not just spending time focusing on the fun parts because you could be jeopardizing your relationship if you proceed; however, you may also enhance it. You and your partner will need to explore this further with careful consideration and in-depth communication, which reviews expectations, rules, and even a way to gracefully stop things if they become uncomfortable should you both decide to proceed.
Considerations For The Third-Party
You should also consider the feelings of the person you invite into this experience as they should also have a say as to what is comfortable for them. Finally, you need to be aware that asking someone to be sexual with you and your partner may be insulting to them, so you need to be prepared for rejection and possibly even anger. You may also find that someone feels that what you are proposing is insulting, especially if you base your choice primarily on the color of their skin or other ethnic features. Use tact in the way that you approach a potential third party.
In Closing
Everyone must find the path that is right for them. In relationships, this will always mean communicating and negotiating what we want, whether we are in a monogamous relationship or an open one. Just keep in mind that for any relationship to be healthy, one must be open and honest about what is important to them and protect the investment of their relationship under the terms that one has agreed upon. It is how we maintain the integrity of the relationship and our own.