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Faking Orgasms

Dr. Lisa Lawless

Dr. Lisa Lawless, CEO of Holistic Wisdom
Clinical Psychotherapist: Relationship & Sexual Health Expert

finger puppets, woman winking, heart, Fake OrgasmsCauses & Solutions

The truth is that most women have faked an orgasm in their lifetime, and many women continually do it. What should be noted is that often the reasons why a woman fakes an orgasm is usually a combination of the reasons listed below:

They Don't Know

When it comes to having a penis, it is pretty easy to see when one is having an orgasm as ejaculation comes out. However, for women, this is not as easy to determine. While women can have increased lubrication and, in some cases, ejaculate, there may be no external physical indication of an orgasm. Thus, sometimes, when a woman feels heightened stimulation to her clitoris and G-spot, it may be misinterpreted as an orgasm. Until a woman has an orgasm, she may not know that she has not yet experienced one and considered heightened feelings of pleasure and orgasm when it is not.

How To Tell If You Have Had An Orgasm

  • You feel the tension building up, and then it releases. This tension can feel similar to the build-up of a sneeze and is followed by a sudden intense, pleasurable release.

  • Afterward, you feel happy, relaxed and may even feel especially connected to your partner if you are with one due to the release of oxytocin and dopamine in your brain. These chemicals will make you feel euphoria, empathy, and closeness. It is why some women may cry from time to time after an orgasm.

  • You may feel tired and more relaxed. You may feel like you want to rest from the release of oxytocin and muscle contractions.

  • The skin on your face, cheeks, and chest may be flushed and feel especially warm.

  • You have muscle contractions that occur in your vaginal walls as well as in your stomach muscles, behind, and legs. If you were building to an orgasm for a while, you might feel fatigued from this.

  • Your breathing and heart rate will increase before orgasm, and then after, you will find that you breathe more deeply and have a slower heart rate after 10-20 minutes of having an orgasm.

  • If you are touched directly on your clitoris after you orgasm, you may feel especially sensitive and may even feel mild pain. This is because you have entered a refractory period, and any further sexual stimulation may be irritating until it is over.

Not Receiving Proper Stimulation

In this situation, a woman knows how to reach orgasm and does it independently; however, she cannot have an orgasm as the partner is not stimulating enough or in the manner that she requires to orgasm.

What Can Be Done?

A woman and her partner need to communicate about her preferences, and partners should be better educated about female anatomy and stimulation. Women should express what they desire and familiarize their partner with preferences for sexual techniques such as intercourse, fingering, oral sex, sex toys, sex positions, and more. A simple change in positioning to allow the stimulation of the clitoris through manual or vibrator stimulation can make all the difference. However, because of specific preferences for clitoral stimulation, specifics of preferences are ideal for sharing.

See the following guides for more helpful information:

Body Insecurities

Many women are insecure about their bodies. Unfortunately, it is a side effect of a confused culture obsessed with physical beauty and its perfection.

What Can Be Done?

Beyond the obvious social changes needed, a partner can encourage a woman to love themselves as they are, reassuring her of her physical beauty and attraction. In addition, a woman can surround herself with supportive people, including her partner. If she needs help through therapy for improved body image, she may seek it.

Performance Anxiety

It is nearly impossible to have an orgasm if that is all you focus on. The whole point of having an orgasm is not achieving it but having pleasure. It defeats the whole point if a woman stresses herself out, focusing on the result instead of enjoying the ride. An orgasm is an involuntary response; it would be like sweating on demand. You have to be doing something that gets your body to respond in that manner, and obsessing about it won't get you there.

What Can Be Done?

Using relaxing mood enhancers like scented candles, relaxing music, hot baths, and other things that bring you to the place of surrender is a great way to begin. However, understanding what physiologically stimulates a woman sexually is imperative, so make sure to utilize our sexual health guides to become educated about the physical stimulation required. Furthermore, do not be afraid to use vibrators. There is a reason that over 80% of women use them, and that is because they are highly effective at stimulating the clitoris. It is another reason why air pulse (clitoral suction stimulators) have become so popular.

If a woman is unsure how to achieve orgasm by herself, time should be spent exploring her body to know her preferences through masturbation. Make sure to see our guide: Female Masturbation Tips.

The main focus is to make sure that both you and your partner enjoy your time, whether you have an orgasm or not, and allow for times when you don't without it being perceived as a failure. It is not a failure when you have enjoyed yourself. Sometimes it is all right to have a snack rather than a full meal. So enjoy the moment, allow yourself to be creative, relaxed, and focus on pleasure, not performance.

Emotional Or Physical Trauma

One out of every six American women have been the victims of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. In some countries, that statistic is even higher. The stigma, shame, and other challenging emotions that female victims feel are not their problem to deal with alone; it is our world's problem. It is the responsibility of all to ensure that a safe and nurturing environment be provided to everyone and that anyone who has been raped or assaulted be treated with respect, compassion, and empathy.

What Can Be Done?

There are many ways to deal with such issues; below is a link to an article with resources that you may find helpful on the subject. Ultimately, a woman should surround herself with supportive people, including her partner, and if she needs professional support, she should seek it.

For more information, please see: Sexual Assault & Rape Resources

Chronic Illness Or Disabilities

According to the CDC, nearly 50% of adult Americans have some form of disability or chronic illness. Thus, it is not uncommon that sexual challenges may present themselves. Even using birth control pills, antidepressants, or an injury or disease inhibits their sex drive and response.

What Can Be Done?

If there is suspicion that it could be a physical issue, such as nerve damage or other complication from an injury or illness, she should speak with her OB/GYN about it to better understand the physical aspects and treatment options. We have also put together some helpful guides that will offer suggestions on working with health challenges:

Prioritizing Partner's Pleasure

Women are often taught that their needs should come last and that their partner, her children, career, etc., should all come before her. The problem with this is that a woman will begin to become depleted and often struggle with feeling like she is struggling to find the energy to be sexual. Remember the passion at the beginning of a relationship? Your passion will undoubtedly fizzle if you don't nurture your relationship, including your sexual needs.

What Can Be Done?

Say you have a pitcher of water, and you keep serving everyone else without taking some for yourself; ultimately, you decline so that you won't be able won't be able to keep serving others, let alone yourself. It is vital to put yourself first to put the energy you desire back into your life. Doing things that rejuvenate your spirit is crucial and should be done regularly through appointments that you don't break.

Ensure that you are with a partner who shares responsibilities as well as the mental load of what life expects of you both. Communicate your sexual needs and make sure you have your sexual adventures through masturbation, and have your partner try new techniques and toys on you. The most beautiful and evolved people live life, not those who are slaves to it or their inhibitions.

Emotional Conflicts

Sexuality will most often be affected when a relationship is struggling. From poor sexual performance to lack of desire, many women struggle to enjoy or want sex when things are tense outside of the bedroom.

What Can Be Done?

Take care of the conflicts outside of the bedroom through communication to identify the core struggles and then work with your partner to create solutions. This may include the need for a book on relationship assistance to seek out a professional therapist to assist you in working through conflicts. Once you address the conflicts outside the bedroom, you can then address any conflicts resulting from them in the bedroom.

For more information please see our guides:

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