Trusted for 23+ Years
Dr. Lisa Lawless, CEO of Holistic Wisdom
Clinical Psychotherapist: Relationship & Sexual Health Expert
Am I Sexually Normal?
Most people want to know if their sexual desires, fantasies, responses, and bodies are typical. People want to feel that they are somehow not an exception for liking the things they do or having sex in the way they enjoy. The truth is that there is no such thing as normal.
When Alfred Kinsey studied human sexuality, he found that after all of the thousands of sex histories he had taken from people, everyone is different. We have this false perception that most people can fall into a general category of what they do or desire.
Perhaps we should stop asking whether or not we are normal and start asking ourselves if the behaviors we exhibit sexually are healthy for us. Do they make us feel good physically? Do they empower us and our partner(s)?
The only time there really should be concern is when we are doing something that causes harm to ourselves or others. Celebrating our unique approach to sex and life is one of the significant parts of being human.
How Often Do Most People Have Sex?
While research has shown that most married couples have sex once or twice a week, that does not mean it should be the norm for you. Studies have also shown that travel, illness, disabilities, pregnancy, and stress can interfere with the number of times that couples have sex. In addition to this, someone may identify as asexual or simply have a low sex drive or it may be very high.
The real question is, how often would you like to be having sex? Once you can answer that, work with your significant other (if you have one) to achieve your mutual goals. If they differ from you, communicate lovingly and respectfully with one another to see if you can compromise.
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How Do We Make Time For Sex?
We all know how to make time for sex; the real question is, how do I make sex a priority to me again? We tend to forget that other things start to do poorly when we neglect ourselves through our health, including our sexual health. Our emotional state, health, relationship, etc. We must see sex as a priority. The bottom line is that if you are busy, but there is something that you value, then you will find a way to make time for it. Simply make it a priority.
How Do We Get Out Of A Sexual Rut?
One of the best ways to get out of a sexual rut is to start flirting with one another again. When you find yourself not excited for one another, the best way out is to start courting one another without sex. Say something sexy to your partner without trying to get them to have sex with you.
For example, if you are at the grocery store and walking down an aisle with your partner, slide your hand down their behind and whisper to them how much you love it. Little things like that go a long way. It comes down to priorities, as do all things. If you want to get some excitement back in your sex life, make an effort to do creative things, even to be playful with one another. Have a tickle fight, play with their hair, hold their hand. It is indeed the little things that count. Build emotional playfulness and passion, and the sex will come.
Also, evaluate your relationship to see if there are areas where resentment is building up with uneven expectations of responsibilities and the mental load of handling your daily lives. Discuss this and work together to ensure that you each feel supported, respected and appreciated.
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Why Have I Lost My Sex Drive?
A low sex drive can be caused by health issues, prescription medicine, stress levels, and various other things.
- The first thing to do is visit your doctor to rule out physical problems and tell them about them. Your doctor will need to know this to determine if something physical may be contributing to it. See our guide: How to Talk To Your Doctor About Sex.
- Make sure that you're getting enough sleep, exercising, and eating healthy, as these things do impact sex drive as well.
- Then look at your stress levels. If your responsibilities are overwhelming you, ask for help wherever you can. There is no need to take on everything yourself.
- If you have financial stressors, contact a financial advisor at your bank for help or schedule a family meeting to discuss ways to budget.
- You can also elicit the help of a therapist or clergy person for advice to help reduce your stress levels.
- Take time out for yourself and your lover. Do something small that will help you connect with your sensual side. A sexy bubble bath, a massage, even a date for a romantic dinner. It may sound trite, but through our everyday behavior, we are inspired to celebrate ourselves and our sexuality. For more information, see our Low Sex Drive Guide.
My Partner Was Unfaithful How Do I Move On?
If you have decided to stay in your relationship, you may be relieved to know that it is possible to repair a relationship after an affair.
- See our guide How & Why People Cheat for insights into such behavior.
- If you want to end things, see our Twelve Steps To End A Relationship Guide.
Here are some tips if you decide to try to work things out:
- Your partner must cease all communication with the person they have had an affair with so that there is a solid break.
- Your partner must be completely honest about the affair, although it is not advised to share sexual details as this may do more damage than good.
- It is also a good idea to get a therapist to help you move on and address issues that may have contributed to the affair in the first place.
- Your partner should allow you time to vent and not judge you for your pain. The more they can validate your feelings, the easier it will be to feel understood and supported.
- You may want to limit the time you allow yourself to vent your pain; however, harping on the person constantly will not contribute to healing. Allowing for 10-15 minutes every day once you decide to move forward is an excellent place to start. It will enable you to express your feelings about where you are emotional while not bombarding them with guilt.
Is Prostate Massage Good For Men?
It can be. It is pleasurable for many men regardless of sexual orientation, and may reduce the chance of prostate cancer. Read more about prostate massage to learn more about it as well as who should not do it through our How To Do Prostate Massage Guide.
How Do We Start Using Sex Toys In The Bedroom?
If you have never used a sex toy with your partner, it can feel quite intimidating and strange. For beginners, we highly recommend getting a wand massager as they can be used for general massage and as a sex toy. Start with a relaxing massage and move into sex play to make it less intimidating.
Make sure to communicate about what you like and don't like and try using the sex toy in different positions. For example, a woman can just as easily have the vibrator stimulating her clitoris while her partner penetrates her vaginally to stimulate her G-spot. This can be achieved easily through the missionary, doggie, and other sex positions.
The second type of sex toy we recommend is vibrating rings, which can be used on a dildo or penis. These can provide double and even triple stimulation opportunities during sexual intercourse and can be used by themselves for penis, clitoral, and nipple stimulation. They are another great and inexpensive way to try out a sex toy in the bedroom.
Make sure to see our Sex Toys For Beginners Guide for more information.
Is Female Ejaculation Real?
You may have heard of female ejaculation, or you may not even know what it is, as many people do not. Female ejaculation is genuine; it is something that most women can achieve. Learn more about female ejaculation through our guide How To Female Ejaculate.